A few weeks ago I got a question on Tumblr. It made me think a lot and it took me like 2 days to answer it. Part of it because I was sure that the person knew about my long distance relationship. The other part was that I was asking myself those questions before I gave an answer. I wanted to be fair to the person (and to myself) and give an honest reply.
The next day I was sure I knew who that person was… the last question gave him away. Now it was time to finally answer after learning the shocking truth: When i said the person was right about it being less me.. It’s because in a way I did lost my inspiration and my purpose. He was right.
I didn’t think I was falling out of love. I was (I’m) sure of what i feel. But I guess sometimes we do lose our inspiration and our purpose and then we struggle to get it back. Sometimes it takes someone else to tell you.Someone else to say that you no longer write love letters. That you stopped showing everyone what you feel. That you don’t have those special details for that other person anymore.
You know what they say… People outside can see the smoke before the ones that are burning can feel the fire.
And finally when you do realize everything.. You wonder what happened and how to get back on track. You think about the reasons you started writing in the first place… In my case it was because I felt my mind was going to explode in a million words. Then it became a way to handle my LDR.
Fast forward a few weeks later and I’m still trying to get back on track. Still trying to figure out how to stop writing love letters in my mind.. and the reason.. the reason is YOU.
I know how it feels when you are tired. Not of life, but of your life. How it is, how it goes and how you know it will be the next morning, the one after and the one after that. So predictable that it actually hurts. To people that look at us from the outside it seems so easy to tell us detailed instructions on how to change our lives. It isn’t so easy to us, the ones actually living the life they say is so easy to change. Is not like we don’t try, is more like we have spent our whole life trying that it becomes a race without a finish line… There’s no way to win or to get to that finish line so we can finally look at our lives and say “we are here, we made it, this is what i wanted”.
I know how it feels when you want to disconnect yourself from the rest of the world and be yours for a few hours or a few days. Do your things, or maybe not doing anything at all. Those are the days I want to close all my social accounts and be mine for a few days. Watch some movies, read some books. Every time that happens it becomes a little harder to go back to share yourself with everyone else. We do because it is expected. We are adults. Maybe because there are people that misses us, or maybe there is someone we always miss.
There are times I’m scared that I would never find the right words to make you stay when all that you want is be away for a while. Though sometimes late.. I know I have to say it… Stay. Stay because you are missed. Stay because you are loved. Stay because life goes on and it takes us more time to change.. But sometimes what we are doing is changing the life of someone else. Whatever you do… Know that there are people, like me, who want to tell you that we understand…That we can’t live without you… So please Stay.