He Said/She Said

Love means everything. Those were the words he texted me while we try hard to fix all the damage we have caused to our relationship. Sometimes we talk about other people or other situations and then we overthink on the ways those situations apply to our relationship. No matter how hard you try, you can’t help comparing your relationship to others, even though you remind yourself (while comparing) that not two relationships are alike.

When I decided to be in a LDR, I knew it would be a challenge in many levels. We had distance and time difference, but I guess the biggest challenge was culture. Among all the differences that we had, the most difficult for me to absorb was that his culture is more closed, and not as open minded as mine. That includes the way they handle romantic relationships with people from the other side of the world.

Our relationship has always been kind of a secret. I must admit that I agreed to it from the start and got used to the way things were. But as I said before, the situations of others sometimes remind you of your own and in this case, it reminded me that to his side of the world, his family, friends… I do not exist. It reminded me of the struggle I have to achieve this sense of normalcy in my relationship. While I tried to include my boyfriend in every aspect of my life, I felt I had no real presence in his.

With all that we have been through in the last couple of months, overthinking about that issue (the secrecy) added some pressure. I was feeling bad about something I can’t change (and agreed to it since the beginning) and he felt bad because he couldn’t give it to me. We took turns to argue and hurt the other and then we would try to fix the damage we did.

But that wasn’t the only thing I was struggling with. Some time ago I told him that I felt things had changed. Somehow, our relationship didn’t feel the same (I dismissed it because I thought it was because of his time in army) but we did talked about it and even agreed to work on it. I felt that we were back to square one. Back to the way our relationship was when we started and it sucks because I know we put a lot of effort to bring our relationship to a point where we both felt happy before he left for army.

Even today I feel guilty about it. I feel guilty about telling him because maybe I’m the one stuck on a moment in time. The one who can’t stop to think that I knew the rules of the game before I decided to play. The one who is having a hard time shaking doubts creeping inside my mind. Maybe I’m the one who refuses to understand that things change and there’s nothing to do but accept it and move on to whatever comes next, even if you don’t have the same hopes you did before.

gibypea3

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January Goals (Because I can’t stick to resolutions)

I was thinking of a few things that I wanted to accomplish this year but then I thought about how bad I was at sticking to my resolutions. So maybe it would be easier to keep it simple and keep making short term goals each month (commitment has always been my problem).

Going over last month goals, I finished reading one of the 2 books I wanted to finish and posted 2 of the 3 drafts I planned. That’s not so bad! About my relationship goal (take a few steps back) I’m making progress training Jedi style but more work is needed.

Now that I reviewed my progress, this month I will…

  1. Finish the other drafts I had. If that takes me a year I will be calling them resolutions ha!
  2. Start renovating my closet space. I fell in love with a closet organizer and I think I will start making changes around in my room.

Last but not least… A relationship goal:

  1. Work on my relationship. Things have been a little crazy and I know both of us could do better – copy/pasting this to his messenger – .

Next month I will be sure to check on my progress.

gibypea3

Hold on…

I think is rather sad how we feel the need to hang on to something or someone because we don’t want to break it when we finally let go or leave. We feel we can’t hurt someone else, we can’t break someone else’s heart so we continue to be there, cause we are afraid to shatter someone else’s world. 

The truth is we are living, existing in someone else’s world and in that process we don’t move on to create the one we want for us.