The Problem With (My) Love

After I wrote my previous post I couldn’t help overthinking about it. That is what I do, I overthink everything. I thought that I hated being in love. But not really, I just think I idealize love too much. When I’m in love I always want to be the best version of me. I always want to build something perfect doesn’t exist. It can’t exist, nothing is perfect. I always see how to be better and of course, not everyone sees the same, not everyone is the same. Other people don’t always see it. If they are content with what they have then they won’t feel the need to be better.

When it comes to me, I’m always thinking of giving and not about what I can or should get in return. Always thinking of how can I make someone else happy al the time; to be a better partner, to do things the best I can so we can have a “better” (perfect?) relationship. Then I ask myself why I do all of that if I’m not getting the same effort in return. That’s when all the overthinking takes the stage… I think about how most of people put a lot of effort to get what they want. Once they have it? Why put so much effort on it? But me… I put on a little effort in the beginning and see if things are going to work. If I see it blossoming into something beautiful, then I put the effort into nourishing it, keeping it and making it the best it can possibly be.

That is how I know the problem is me. I get disappointed even when I know things will not always be 100/100. Relationships doesn’t work like that, we have to be prepared to give 80 in a day when the other person is feeling like 20 and whoever tells you they are supposed to be 50/50 they are lying. But I can see how efforts are not always equal and sometimes is not because they don’t want to, is because they don’t know how to. So I break my own heart. Not the other person but me, I’m the one who breaks my heart with expectations that can’t be real.

Now I’m at the point where I started to question if I was sabotaging my relationships. If I’m giving too much importance to things that can’t be changed (could they?). And I cry every night that I (over) think about all of this because I feel sad and of course, no one can see a reason why I should be. Maybe I don’t know how to balance my feelings.

After saying all of that, maybe I can get to the conclusion that I’m my own worst enemy. Someone told me I was asking too much of myself and expecting perfection. I said that I’m always thinking about how to fix everything and making it better. Not everything can be fixed? well in my mind, it can. So maybe all I have to do is fix myself?

The Little Box Of Horrors I Keep

I have been revisiting old posts lately. In part I guess it is because they are still relevant; they still describe how I feel today. If they are still relevant, then it means that in some way, I haven’t been able to “fix myself” or maybe there are a lot of questions, doubts or fears.

Maybe this is the reason why I still keep my little box of horrors…

There is a box hidden inside the darkest corners of my mind. It will keep safe what we have, will keep our relationship from breaking apart. You see what I most fear is that time will change what we feel. So I go there once in while to put all my bad thoughts inside. Stored away in that dark space are all the doubts that I have. When the trust tries to go away I lock those thoughts inside that place. Jealousy and anger are there too, all part of a time bomb I’m scared it could explode soon. I’m trying to put away my expectations because not everyone will make the same efforts. Now as I watch from afar with a glass of wine in my hand as the only witness to my crimes…trying to keep my insecurities locked inside so my relationship can last. A final toast to everything inside:

For all the things you didn’t see. The messages, love letters and text you won’t get but I wrote them anyway, they got deleted before I could push send. All the things we won’t share; the thoughts, the words, calls, dates, special days. I’m honestly hoping you will care.
All the things you forgot, some promises you broke. The written pages, quotes collected, Pinterest boards created but you won’t get them. The social apps we couldn’t share, no reason now to be hiding out there.
Chances missed, opportunities not taken. Pictures never shown of things and places; a world we could’ve shared but we missed it. All we can still learn or teach the other. Now I wonder why we never take the time for it.
The heart shouldn’t know about distance. I don’t want to give up on all I’m  feeling, trying to keep it away and hidden because I am afraid of all of it fading.
For all the times I’ve tried. I learned the drill: get angry, argue, forgive and try, try, try. All the times I cried because I couldn’t say I wasn’t alright. I never want to make you angry because I care about details in our lives.
For the times I felt neglected. I’m tired of  repeating how to fix it. The secrets, the questions, the plans to build our forever. Because we should start now to make it simple later. every day I hope you understand and start making changes.
I will drink to that and more to come, because I decided to put it all in The Box.

Now that all is done I will leave a note on top of the box. It will serve as a reminder for next time I’m here, to decide if it’s worth it to hide my fears. Remember this was me trying to make this work while waiting for you to play along… “SHE OFFERED YOU THE WORLD HOPING YOU CHOSE HER INSTEAD”.

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The Future Has Your Name

I wasn’t looking for anyone when I met you. I’d like to think it was fate playing a trick on me since I gave up on love and long distance relationships. Even after thinking that you were not my type, I couldn’t walk away from you. Something about you made me stay and I’m grateful to whatever it was that kept pulling me closer to you. Soon after that, I knew it was too late. How could I be in love with the guy at the other side of the world? My plans had a new purpose now because I saw myself including you in every plan I was making.

The day you asked me to marry you was one of the scariest days of my life. I said yes without thinking about it and I was sure it was my heart’s desire. The day you told your family that we were engaged and they said congratulations was one of the happiest days of my life. I love your family like they are mine and their blessing meant a lot to me. It was official… now they were my family too. I found it funny because not only I fell in love with you, I fell in love with them too.

When we did that, we were promising an everlasting love to each other. Sounds like the perfect love song right? But this is real life so we were promising more than just love. We were promising support, commitment to each other and our relationship, but above all, a future. A future we are building every day with calls, videos, pictures, plans. We are sharing our lives the best way we can until we can be together. I believe in every word you say, every plan you make. The reason? easy, I can see everything in your eyes, in the way you look at me. So how can I doubt what we have?

I did see some changes. I saw how long it took for you to reply to a message. I saw you online on social media but not reading what I sent you. Not saying that you loved me as you used to. Treating me more like a friend instead of your fiancee. Of course, the natural response is for me to protect my heart from being broken again. I saw you letting me go and then taking the time to carefully explain to me how difficult it is for you to manage the feelings you have. It shouldn’t be a surprise, I feel the same. One of the worst things in a long distance relationship is not being able to show the other person how much you love them. Words will never be enough. Calls, messages, pictures… will never be enough. How to show someone that you feel that they are meant to be in your life. How to show them that you choose them every day because they are your happiness. How to explain to them that you are scared of them leaving because they mean everything. How do I tell you that I notice everything about you: the way you say no four times when you explain something to me, the way you look when you are about to fall asleep and the way you breath when you do, the way you turn the phone to one side when you light a cigarette but then show me and say “I know you hate this”. I see everything in you, the good and the bad and I decide to love you every day because of it.

We have a great thing going on here. I’m writing the best love story of my life with you, not for a blog but for the rest of our lives together. I will write us the most beautiful life you can ever imagine… but is up to you to stay and read it, to stay and write it with me, to stay and live it with me. All I can say is that I’m here for you and I do want you to be here for me. That overwhelming feeling of missing me is your heart telling you that you made the right choice. Don’t let it go. Don’t let me go. Do you think you can manage not having me in your life? Think about it. If you ask me… I already gave you the answer for that when I said YES that day without so much as skipping a beat.

With something that is more than love,

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Update: I wrote this back in June2020 when we were having trouble managing everything that we were feeling and all the plans we were making. For a moment there I was sure he was letting me go and I was ready to let go too…until I decided to write him a letter to explain the feelings I couldn’t put into words during a video call.