The Future Has Your Name

I wasn’t looking for anyone when I met you. I’d like to think it was fate playing a trick on me since I gave up on love and long distance relationships. Even after thinking that you were not my type, I couldn’t walk away from you. Something about you made me stay and I’m grateful to whatever it was that kept pulling me closer to you. Soon after that, I knew it was too late. How could I be in love with the guy at the other side of the world? My plans had a new purpose now because I saw myself including you in every plan I was making.

The day you asked me to marry you was one of the scariest days of my life. I said yes without thinking about it and I was sure it was my heart’s desire. The day you told your family that we were engaged and they said congratulations was one of the happiest days of my life. I love your family like they are mine and their blessing meant a lot to me. It was official… now they were my family too. I found it funny because not only I fell in love with you, I fell in love with them too.

When we did that, we were promising an everlasting love to each other. Sounds like the perfect love song right? But this is real life so we were promising more than just love. We were promising support, commitment to each other and our relationship, but above all, a future. A future we are building every day with calls, videos, pictures, plans. We are sharing our lives the best way we can until we can be together. I believe in every word you say, every plan you make. The reason? easy, I can see everything in your eyes, in the way you look at me. So how can I doubt what we have?

I did see some changes. I saw how long it took for you to reply to a message. I saw you online on social media but not reading what I sent you. Not saying that you loved me as you used to. Treating me more like a friend instead of your fiancee. Of course, the natural response is for me to protect my heart from being broken again. I saw you letting me go and then taking the time to carefully explain to me how difficult it is for you to manage the feelings you have. It shouldn’t be a surprise, I feel the same. One of the worst things in a long distance relationship is not being able to show the other person how much you love them. Words will never be enough. Calls, messages, pictures… will never be enough. How to show someone that you feel that they are meant to be in your life. How to show them that you choose them every day because they are your happiness. How to explain to them that you are scared of them leaving because they mean everything. How do I tell you that I notice everything about you: the way you say no four times when you explain something to me, the way you look when you are about to fall asleep and the way you breath when you do, the way you turn the phone to one side when you light a cigarette but then show me and say “I know you hate this”. I see everything in you, the good and the bad and I decide to love you every day because of it.

We have a great thing going on here. I’m writing the best love story of my life with you, not for a blog but for the rest of our lives together. I will write us the most beautiful life you can ever imagine… but is up to you to stay and read it, to stay and write it with me, to stay and live it with me. All I can say is that I’m here for you and I do want you to be here for me. That overwhelming feeling of missing me is your heart telling you that you made the right choice. Don’t let it go. Don’t let me go. Do you think you can manage not having me in your life? Think about it. If you ask me… I already gave you the answer for that when I said YES that day without so much as skipping a beat.

With something that is more than love,

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Update: I wrote this back in June2020 when we were having trouble managing everything that we were feeling and all the plans we were making. For a moment there I was sure he was letting me go and I was ready to let go too…until I decided to write him a letter to explain the feelings I couldn’t put into words during a video call.

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