Do you know what love is?

If you ask people this question, everyone will give you a different answer based on their perception and experiences. Love is a very strong emotion and if you asked me… You would get a mixed answer explaining how good it feels, how wonderdul it is  and how it makes you weak until it kills you. When it comes to love, I have only one setting and it’s called extreme. 

It didn’t surprised me that when I saw the tv series Legion I fell in love (haha) with one character’s definition of love. Hearing it and actually watching the description complete with a scene from the documentary Planet Earth made that my favorite part of the show. 

I made a post on my other blog simply because I wanted to share that part of the dialog. Of course, not everyone will agree… But it’s a funny and weird way to look at things….


Happy Birthday (My Love)

Birthdays are special occasions. When you are in a LDR it can be hard to cebrate it the way you wish. Today it’s Ahmad’s birthday and I hope my words reach where I can’t be so I wrote him a little note that I would like to share here. 

My only hope is that we get to celebrate many more birthdays together in the future. 

I Remember Everything

It has been more than a month since I posted something in my blog. Writing has always been a way to deal with feelings and say what I never had the courage to say to anyone, but I was afraid to admit that at this point in time, my relationship wasn’t where I expected it to be. 

I fell in love more than 3 yrs ago and that love grows with each passing day even when I know that people and feelings change over time. I like to think that the world is constantly moving so my love and my relationship move forward. 

Change is inevitable. We don’t always like it, we may not accept it but we certainly can’t stop it. It doesn’t have to be bad, but it may not be the change we wanted or expected and that was precisely my case. 

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and I kept playing in my mind some of my favorite memories of when I was falling in love (I didn’t know I was) and couldn’t help to think about the amazing man I fell in love with and all the small details that made me stay with him all this time. 

I remember we used to talk every chance we had and to this day, we still do. We weren’t all that open with each other at first. It was really hard to get him to open up but once I could convince him to talk about his feelings, he would say the most romantic things. It’s funny because he was the romantic one, always sending me cute messages and stickers. He was the one who convinced me that it was safe to be myself with him and that I could tear my defenses down after I had build up walls to keep everyone out and my romantic side in. 

Our relationship has always been kind of a secret and even though I have fought for him to be more open about it, it’s still a work in progress. Because of that, we weren’t that open in social media but that didn’t mean we didn’t share things with each other. I used to mark every post that was for him and he used to look out for every single one of them. He used to pay so much attention to detail. He had all of my accounts and he would go through all of them, making sure I saw that he was paying attention. It felt great knowing someone care about all the things that other people found common. He celebrated every detail. So in showing my love I felt loved in return. 

As time went by our relationship became more open and I felt more confident in talking about my long distance relationship when people seemed rather skeptical about them. I talked to my parents about him, to my brother, introduced him to my son (Wow! This was big) and gave him a place in my family even though I’ve never had a place in his. By then, he had convinced me that we were actually a family. For someone who never knows what to say, he made sure he always had the right words to make me feel good, happy, to calm me down and even to convince me that I had to marry him. He made sure I knew that every single day. 

No wonder I always thought I had the perfect relationship and the perfect boyfriend and I made sure everyone knew when they asked who was the handsome man in the picture I had in my desk. I still smile every time people notice that the picture is gone… like I said, everything changes… but I remember everything. 

He Said/She Said

Love means everything. Those were the words he texted me while we try hard to fix all the damage we have caused to our relationship. Sometimes we talk about other people or other situations and then we overthink on the ways those situations apply to our relationship. No matter how hard you try, you can’t help comparing your relationship to others, even though you remind yourself (while comparing) that not two relationships are alike.

When I decided to be in a LDR, I knew it would be a challenge in many levels. We had distance and time difference, but I guess the biggest challenge was culture. Among all the differences that we had, the most difficult for me to absorb was that his culture is more closed, and not as open minded as mine. That includes the way they handle romantic relationships with people from the other side of the world.

Our relationship has always been kind of a secret. I must admit that I agreed to it from the start and got used to the way things were. But as I said before, the situations of others sometimes remind you of your own and in this case, it reminded me that to his side of the world, his family, friends… I do not exist. It reminded me of the struggle I have to achieve this sense of normalcy in my relationship. While I tried to include my boyfriend in every aspect of my life, I felt I had no real presence in his.

With all that we have been through in the last couple of months, overthinking about that issue (the secrecy) added some pressure. I was feeling bad about something I can’t change (and agreed to it since the beginning) and he felt bad because he couldn’t give it to me. We took turns to argue and hurt the other and then we would try to fix the damage we did.

But that wasn’t the only thing I was struggling with. Some time ago I told him that I felt things had changed. Somehow, our relationship didn’t feel the same (I dismissed it because I thought it was because of his time in army) but we did talked about it and even agreed to work on it. I felt that we were back to square one. Back to the way our relationship was when we started and it sucks because I know we put a lot of effort to bring our relationship to a point where we both felt happy before he left for army.

Even today I feel guilty about it. I feel guilty about telling him because maybe I’m the one stuck on a moment in time. The one who can’t stop to think that I knew the rules of the game before I decided to play. The one who is having a hard time shaking doubts creeping inside my mind. Maybe I’m the one who refuses to understand that things change and there’s nothing to do but accept it and move on to whatever comes next, even if you don’t have the same hopes you did before.

gibypea3

January Goals (Because I can’t stick to resolutions)

I was thinking of a few things that I wanted to accomplish this year but then I thought about how bad I was at sticking to my resolutions. So maybe it would be easier to keep it simple and keep making short term goals each month (commitment has always been my problem).

Going over last month goals, I finished reading one of the 2 books I wanted to finish and posted 2 of the 3 drafts I planned. That’s not so bad! About my relationship goal (take a few steps back) I’m making progress training Jedi style but more work is needed.

Now that I reviewed my progress, this month I will…

  1. Finish the other drafts I had. If that takes me a year I will be calling them resolutions ha!
  2. Start renovating my closet space. I fell in love with a closet organizer and I think I will start making changes around in my room.

Last but not least… A relationship goal:

  1. Work on my relationship. Things have been a little crazy and I know both of us could do better – copy/pasting this to his messenger – .

Next month I will be sure to check on my progress.

gibypea3

Hold on…

I think is rather sad how we feel the need to hang on to something or someone because we don’t want to break it when we finally let go or leave. We feel we can’t hurt someone else, we can’t break someone else’s heart so we continue to be there, cause we are afraid to shatter someone else’s world. 

The truth is we are living, existing in someone else’s world and in that process we don’t move on to create the one we want for us.

Dear 2016…

This is the last day of the year and I couldn’t be happier. This year was filled with many challenges and lessons that I won’t be able to forget. Everything seemed to be frozen in time, including my relationship.

As you all know… Shit Happens (in 2016):

Faces we see, hearts we can’t know. This year my relationship was truly tested. We dealt with people that tried to break us up, insecurities, trust issues, you name it. It was a lot. I feel like I lost something that I won’t be able to get back.

You can take the guy out from the army but you can’t take the army out from the guy. I learned firsthand that people who go to the military change. I’m happy because he has built a strong character and has become an amazing man. But nothing that good is free… he is stronger, tougher and now it feels like it’s harder to see his feelings and make him express them, even during arguments.

A blast from the past. Before he went to army I was very happy to see our relationship move forward and the way we felt comfortable expressing a little bit more in public. Now it seems that we are back to square one and it’s like we are stuck in year one of our relationship. But at least there’s hope…

dear2016letter

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have to admit that not everything was bad. Here are the good things I will take from 2016:

Achievement Unlocked: Survived Army.  Our relationship survived his time in the military.

Achievement Unlocked: Rings to Bind Them. For my birthday he bought me a beautiful ring. I did the same for his. Ehh… does this means we are engaged?

The Strong Woman Award. After all the challenges of this year, I’m still standing.

Medal of Hope. I know things will change for the better. We need to have a little bit of Faith and what every couple in a LDR has, plans (lots of them).

So before this year comes to an end, I have one more thing to say…

dear2016txt

gibypea3