This has been a challenging year and it isn’t over yet. In spite of everything that might be going on in our lives, global pandemic included, there’s always a reason (or a few) to be thankful. We have seen how our whole lives can change in a second and we wouldn’t even know that it’s coming. Before, we thought we knew what kind of world this is, but after, everything was different for a lot of us. Not bad, maybe, not always, but different forever.
Each of us has a journey. The destination may change for some of us but we are always on the road. Sometimes is not the destination that gives us happiness but the road traveled and the people who accompany us in our journey. Today I am thankful for all the people in my life. The ones that are still here (you are blessings) and the ones who aren’t anymore (lessons) because they left me with experiences that shaped my life in some way.
Thankful for the people helping me write the story of my life…my family by blood and the family I chose by love (you know who you are). It doesn’t matter if you’re writing a page or a chapter… let’s keep writing a masterpiece. Last but not least, I should thank the universe for a special person who decided to make our journeys one for us to share. The rest of my life will not be enough to build beautiful things that will last forever.
Sometimes we write the words we wish to hear. Because I know how it is for your soul to be tired. Tired of living the same day over and over again because every day is a repetition of the one before. So predictable, it actually hurts. Four letters in my mind: SSDD (same shit, different day – Stephen King described it perfectly in his book Dreamcatcher). People who can’t understand our feelings will give us detailed instructions on how to change our lives. It isn’t so easy for us, the ones living the life others say is so easy to change. We don’t need instructions. It isn’t like we don’t try. It feels more like we’ve spent our whole lives trying and it becomes a race without a finish line, with no real way to win so we can finally say “I’m here, I made it, this is the life I always wanted”.
I know the feeling of wanting to disconnect yourself from the rest of the world or maybe just disappear for a while. After constant reminders of how you are not good enough you start to feel that it must be true, because after all, you’ve always felt like you don’t belong. So you wish you can just leave everything and everyone for a while, knowing they might not be there when and if you come back; of course you try to stay for as long as you can. A little support would be a lifesaver at this point but how to explain, how to talk about the secrets you don’t want to say? But we do, we stay… each time for a little longer because it is expected. We are adults. Maybe we stay because there is someone who will miss us or maybe because there is someone we always miss?
I’m scared that someday I will not find the courage to stay when all I want to do is to escape. Though sometimes late…I have to say it to myself: STAY. Stay because you’re missed. Stay because you are loved. Stay because life goes on and he makes it worth staying every day. Stay even when it’s taking a little bit more time to change; but sometimes what we are doing is changing the life of someone else. Whatever you do, know that there are people who want to understand… that they can’t live without you, and you don’t want to live without them. So Please, STAY.
After I wrote my previous post I couldn’t help overthinking about it. That is what I do, I overthink everything. I thought that I hated being in love. But not really, I just think I idealize love too much. When I’m in love I always want to be the best version of me. I always want to build something perfect that doesn’t exist. It can’t exist, nothing is perfect. I always see how to be better and of course, not everyone sees the same, not everyone is the same. Other people don’t always see it. If they are content with what they have then they won’t feel the need to be better.
When it comes to me, I’m always thinking of giving and not about what I can or should get in return. Always thinking of how can I make someone else happy all the time; to be a better partner, to do things the best I can so we can have a “better” (perfect?) relationship. Then I ask myself why I do all of that if I’m not getting the same effort in return. That’s when all the overthinking takes the stage… I think about how most of people put a lot of effort to get what they want. Once they have it? Why put so much effort on it? But me… I put on a little effort in the beginning and see if things are going to work. If I see it blossoming into something beautiful, then I put the effort into nourishing it, keeping it and making it the best it can possibly be.
That is how I know the problem is me. I get disappointed even when I know things will not always be 100/100. Relationships doesn’t work like that, we have to be prepared to give 80 in a day when the other person is feeling like 20 and whoever tells you they are supposed to be 50/50 they are lying. But I can see how efforts are not always equal and sometimes is not because they don’t want to, is because they don’t know how to. So I break my own heart. Not the other person but me, I’m the one who breaks my heart with expectations that can’t be real.
Now I’m at the point where I started to question if I was sabotaging my relationships. If I’m giving too much importance to things that can’t be changed (could they?). And I cry every night that I (over) think about all of this because I feel sad and of course, no one can see a reason why I should be. Maybe I don’t know how to balance my feelings.
After saying all of that, maybe I can get to the conclusion that I’m my own worst enemy. Someone told me I was asking too much of myself and expecting perfection. I said that I’m always thinking about how to fix everything and making it better. Not everything can be fixed? well in my mind, it can. So maybe all I have to do is fix myself?
I have been revisiting old posts lately. In part I guess it is because they are still relevant; they still describe how I feel today. If they are still relevant, then it means that in some way, I haven’t been able to “fix myself” or maybe there are a lot of questions, doubts or fears.
Maybe this is the reason why I still keep my little box of horrors…
There is a box hidden inside the darkest corners of my mind. It will keep safe what we have, will keep our relationship from breaking apart. You see what I most fear is that time will change what we feel. So I go there once in while to put all my bad thoughts inside. Stored away in that dark space are all the doubts that I have. When the trust tries to go away I lock those thoughts inside that place. Jealousy and anger are there too, all part of a time bomb I’m scared it could explode soon. I’m trying to put away my expectations because not everyone will make the same efforts. Now as I watch from afar with a glass of wine in my hand as the only witness to my crimes…trying to keep my insecurities locked inside so my relationship can last. A final toast to everything inside:
For all the things you didn’t see. The messages, love letters and text you won’t get but I wrote them anyway, they got deleted before I could push send. All the things we won’t share; the thoughts, the words, calls, dates, special days. I’m honestly hoping you will care. All the things you forgot, some promises you broke. The written pages, quotes collected, Pinterest boards created but you won’t get them. The social apps we couldn’t share, no reason now to be hiding out there. Chances missed, opportunities not taken. Pictures never shown of things and places; a world we could’ve shared but we missed it. All we can still learn or teach the other. Now I wonder why we never take the time for it. The heart shouldn’t know about distance. I don’t want to give up on all I’m feeling, trying to keep it away and hidden because I am afraid of all of it fading. For all the times I’ve tried. I learned the drill: get angry, argue, forgive and try, try, try. All the times I cried because I couldn’t say I wasn’t alright. I never want to make you angry because I care about details in our lives. For the times I felt neglected. I’m tired of repeating how to fix it. The secrets, the questions, the plans to build our forever. Because we should start now to make it simple later. every day I hope you understand and start making changes. I will drink to that and more to come, because I decided to put it all in The Box.
Now that all is done I will leave a note on top of the box. It will serve as a reminder for next time I’m here, to decide if it’s worth it to hide my fears. Remember this was me trying to make this work while waiting for you to play along… “SHE OFFERED YOU THE WORLD HOPING YOU CHOSE HER INSTEAD”.
You deserve someone who gives stability to your life, with whom you can go to sleep without having to ask yourself if they will love you tomorrow or not (but of course I will, for the rest of our lives together). Someone who would rather give up on being proud than give up on you ( I will never give up on us). Someone who makes you a priority and not an option, who gives you the place you deserve in their life. Why? Because you deserve love, honesty and respect. Love shouldn’t be a multiple answer question… loving should be your only choice.
Few days ago I stumbled upon a video by motivational speaker Daniel Habif and what it said resonated with me. It reminded me of the importance of giving priority and attention to your partner in a relationship. A lot of relationships “go cold” because we make a simple mistake: we stop giving the same attention, priority and details once the courtship phase is over and “we are sure” we have the other person. I watched the video a few times and spent quite an amount of time writing what it said in English, so I could send it to my S/O. I shared it with him not because I though he was failing at it, but because I want to build the best relationship possible with him. One in which both can feel that we are taking care of each other and giving the other the love we deserve.
Because of this, I wanted to share the part that captivated my attention the most and really touched my soul. I hope it talks to you in the same way it talked to me.
“For me it’s about winning her over 31 times a day, a month. This requires commitment, focus, art. This is about that if life goes round, you go around with her. It’s about her always being on your priority list, it’s about her being the responsible of your “what do I wear today?” It’s about praying together, it’s about being three: God, her and you. It’s about you getting lost, to find yourself in her, it’s about who you are, for her to be. It’s about making her laugh and that you’re the one who ends up melting with her laughter.
Stay with whoever makes space for you in her/his life, because in her/his bed … any stupid one does. It’s about not falling in love with the white dress, neither of the wedding, nor the ring, nor of the house. It’s not about looking for restaurants with stars and VIP lounges, it’s about your best neckline, being your brain. It’s about not wanting to change the other and the other for that very reason decides to change everything for you. It’s about that in a sick world, she is your medicine! It’s about you losing, so that the marriage wins. Many, many say that if you love something, you should let it go. Please! Only a coward would let go of something he loves and does not fight for it. If you do not get it, at least you will know that you gave your life for something higher than you: LOVE. If the gold gets oxidized, it was not gold. If love ends, it’s not love.
And please! Learn this darling: not because you have reached at the end or in the last place to someone’s heart, this does not mean that you are the least important. For me this means, that all the previous ones were not important enough to stay forever. There are those who look for their better half to complete his lost half, but there are some others, that we are looking for a complete person to make orangeade together… for our lifetime.”
We live in a world that makes us hide love when our love or the person we love doesn’t conform to the norms of society, culture or even religion. Sadly, this what teach us to hate so openly and love in secret. We forget that we walk through this world for just a moment in time. That people will not be with us for an eternity and that we run out of opportunities. Because of these reasons, say and do what you feel. Love as much as you can today because there might not be a tomorrow. No secrets… Share your love for the world to see.
There’s so much in my mind all the time, but words don’t linger enough in our minds and heart to keep them for a long time. Little love notes help me keep track of everything I wish I could say but I choose not to. Love can be so overwhelming at times, it’s one of the feelings that I can hardly manage and keep under control all the time. What can I do? I’m a hopeless romantic.
Sometimes it feels like floating in an endless ocean with soft waves carrying me effortlessly all the way to you. Why today it feels like I’m drowning? I don’t even make an effort to go back to shore… So I let myself drift away farther and farther away from myself and all the way to you. Music plays in my head, I can hear Blue October as the sound gets lost inside my head…
“Sometimes it feels just like I’m falling in the ocean
Let the waves up and take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now come down
Let the rain come down”
I always want to write about you. Since that day you asked me not to because you didn’t want to be “a story” in my life. I knew you weren’t going to be “a story” but “THE story” of my life. You are the person who turns my days into beautiful dreams. Today you are so far away from me and I miss you so much. Dealing with an overwhelming amount of feelings is not always easy. What motivated me to fight for this, is knowing you make me happy and wanting to be with you. I know this won’t happen today or tomorrow, but one day soon enough, the distance will be just another story I will write about. All I want is to be able to hold you, sit by your side and look you in the eyes when I tell you how much I love you. You are everything I didn’t knew I wanted. I remember when you told me you would make me the happiest woman in the world. I wanted to tell you that you do it every single day that we are together. I know distance has its ups and downs but I promise you one thing: I WILL STAY. I want to be the reason you smile every day.