I keep re reading old conversations. It’s inevitable to laugh every time I read old messages. I find incredible that someone can remember details that would be so easy to forget. I laugh because there are events, things and people we never forget about. We keep making and accumulating so many memories throughout our lives; sometimes we forget some of them to make space for the new ones.
It’s beautiful to know that someone has chosen to keep the memories they have of me. That they didn’t simply forget about everything just to make space for something else or because of someone else. I guess in the end that’s what we become… someone else’s memories.
The way they light up your heart… someone comes along and they share a bit of a flame from their hearts or they always have some extra spark so your heart can shine too. That gives us warmth in place so cold like this one.
Pay attention to that person who gives you some of their fire, to that person who is always looking for the way to light up your way to love.
Maybe I can’t make you fall in love with me. I don’t think that you even want to fall in love. Feeling love is one of the things we deny ourselves most of the times…but maybe i can make you think about me on a normal day while you drink coffee and doodle in a napkin. Maybe you will throw it away but not without smiling first. Maybe I will never know about it. Maybe someday you call me and say in the most casual way “I thought about you today” and then i would know I’m making progress. I’m not asking for every day of the rest of your life but a minute in your heart.
I want you to think about me without needing a reason why…the same way I think about you and smile. Maybe someday life will surprise us with a “you know what? I love you” and with “I love you too”. That day you will know that not everything is lost, there are feelings that are always there inside our soul waiting for the person to make them come out (even for just a minute) from inside our hearts.
I’m sorry you know. I’m sorry that we have grown apart. I’m sorry that we don’t have that closeness we used to have. It’s sad like you said. It hurts. Right now we are very far from each other and not only in miles. Idk what happened. I don’t know when it happened. Our lives are very distant from the other. I don’t know how to explain it. Maybe it’s what happens after so much time when everyone is going on with their lives. Our lives. Our work. Our time difference. Our differences. All the things we used to fight against are finally overcoming our efforts. It’s sad to see the other lose focus, to see the other not putting in the effort they used to. It’s sad when the “I love you” and the “I miss you” seem to be said to make up for lost time, lost conversations, to fill up the empty space. We feel it yes, but we fail to show their meaning. Maybe we got used to each other. Used to the other being there. Used to being in a relationship. I don’t see the spark we had back when we used to talk about our future. Now all I see is us waiting to see what happens. I can’t say I like it. I can’t say it feels ok but honestly, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to get back all that is missing. It’s sad not knowing. It’s sad having to ask myself if you want this enough because I don’t see it. It’s even more sad to think that maybe the same thought goes around in your mind. What about all that we talked when we made the decision of canceling the trip? Where are all the promises we made? Now they seem lost in a sea of text messages… just like our relationship. It’s painful to see love dying little by little every day. But if we wait til the end there won’t be a love to fight for, there won’t be a love to save. All we will have left is the love we killed and the relationship we will bury and forget about it with time. I didn’t want this to be just a few chapters in an unfinished book because we decided to stop writing the story we had together. If only I could turn back time…
“Suddenly someone comes along and insists in changing your life, making it a little less complicated. Little by little, day by day, smiling and trusting that the best is yet to come. Rare, special, the kind of person who are worth fighting for and if I had to choose an ending, it would’ve been one like this one, because you have taught me that life isn’t about turning a page of a calendar, but understanding that every page of that calendar is unique and unrepeatable. My heart is already too small for how great you are”
Those were the words I kept reading all over the internet. It was written in Spanish and as soon as I saw it, I knew I had to try and translate it or at least convey the same feeling. I read them and couldn’t help but to think of Ahmad. He is that kind of person. The kind that walks into your life and takes you by surprise.
He was the change in my life but also the constant balance to my chaos. My partner in the war against time and distance. With him, I understood that life was more than counting days. Life is about making the days of the calendar count because every single one of them is an opportunity to build something better and be one day closer to our goals, our future. I know that meeting him was a once in a lifetime occurrence. You don’t get that lucky twice.
Today is Valentine’s Day and everyone in a LDR knows it can be challenging. We know that love is not about a single day…but days like this one reminds me that as each page of a calendar change, we keep sharing details and making memories even in the distance. After all, love is about that. Its all in the details.
Note: The first part of the post (El Intercambio) is a loose translation of something I saw on different websites while doing an internet search.
Decide to live your life like a great adventure. Dream big and make it happen. Life is full of opportunities… grab them, make them yours and help others see theirs too.
Make giving a part of your nature. Don’t love others thinking about what you can get in return, but expecting to build beautiful things that will last forever.
Be the architect of your life and your dreams. Design your life thinking that you deserve the best out of it.
Share love as it is stardust and you want to share pieces of a shooting star before it’s gone from our lives.
One last thing: find a place where you belong and try to help others feel like they can belong too.
I’ve never liked goodbyes but in this case I can make an exception. I can’t wait for this year to be over. It has been one filled with trials, hardships and many challenges in all aspects of my life. Sadly, I can’t say that I passed them all will flying colors.
I’m sitting here with a beer in my hand thinking about new year’s resolutions when the truth is that I don’t have any. What I’m trying to do is make up my mind on what I need to leave behind and how to move forward. Is there something to look forward to? Or more of the same?
Tomorrow I start a new year. I don’t want to see it as a continuation of what I have right now… unshaped thoughts, cancelled plans and unfinished projects. Only a few minutes left… goodbye 2017.