I started this year thinking that it felt kinda like a trial subscription to a streaming service that you can’t cancel. Three months into it and I still ask myself “What will happen in today’s episode of Giby’s Misadventures?” I mean, last season in the show that is my life was incredible. It was full of unexpected things like making it through a pandemic (we’re still doing it) and getting married. Even I didn’t expected that one but turns out that it was the best decision of my life. Will tell you about it later.
I’m starting this season with a different cast. People who I thought would always be there for me left and others who left in the previous season came back. People I never gave a chance are now recurring characters in my show. Of course I’m always grateful to the ones who stay no matter what goes on in the show. I’ve made a few mistakes, I know, but I keep learning as the show goes on.
Contrary to a show you see on TV, There’s no pre-written script. There’s a lot of improvising going on. I’m learning that things don’t always go the way I plan them or the way I think they should. There are things that go wrong and I can’t always fix them. Sadly, some things have to stay broken even if I wasn’t the one who broke them. Turns out I don’t have an unlimited supply of props in this show.
I visited my husband in Egypt last month (Episode 2?) and I learned that you can actually forget about bad times for a while and keep looking for better ones as long as the people who love you are by your side. But that whole Egypt thing is a collection of stories that need some time to tell so I will be writing about it soon.
So stay tune for the next episode of Giby’s Misadventures. Now streaming on My So-Called Life.
When I was a kid I loved celebrating my birthday. December came and it meant I would get like 3 gifts, one after the other, or one big expensive gift because my birthday, Christmas and Three Kings Day were weeks apart. But then as I grew up it became less exciting (even when I always bought something special for myself) and I would say that “after 25 you don’t celebrate your birthday, is more like you commemorate the day you were born, just another trip around the Sun”.
Fast forward some years and that trip around the Sun became the yearly reminder of everything I’ve failed at and what I couldn’t accomplish in “all my trips”. Today is no exception. I’m still thinking about getting a Chocolate Stampede like usual, because chocolate understands that everything changes but my life stays the same. At least that is how it feels after all these years. Sometimes I think that it’s too late for changes while other days, like today, I allow myself to dream.
“And in all the world, I see, Man dreams whatever he be, And his own dream no man knows. What is life? a tale that is told; What is life? a frenzy extreme, A shadow of things that seem; And the greatest good is but small, That all life is a dream to all, And that dreams themselves are a dream.”
—Pedro Calderon de la Barca
Today I want to think that life is but a dream, in which we are all dreaming of who we are and what we can be. Will you dream with me?
This has been a challenging year and it isn’t over yet. In spite of everything that might be going on in our lives, global pandemic included, there’s always a reason (or a few) to be thankful. We have seen how our whole lives can change in a second and we wouldn’t even know that it’s coming. Before, we thought we knew what kind of world this is, but after, everything was different for a lot of us. Not bad, maybe, not always, but different forever.
Each of us has a journey. The destination may change for some of us but we are always on the road. Sometimes is not the destination that gives us happiness but the road traveled and the people who accompany us in our journey. Today I am thankful for all the people in my life. The ones that are still here (you are blessings) and the ones who aren’t anymore (lessons) because they left me with experiences that shaped my life in some way.
Thankful for the people helping me write the story of my life…my family by blood and the family I chose by love (you know who you are). It doesn’t matter if you’re writing a page or a chapter… let’s keep writing a masterpiece. Last but not least, I should thank the universe for a special person who decided to make our journeys one for us to share. The rest of my life will not be enough to build beautiful things that will last forever.
Sometimes we write the words we wish to hear. Because I know how it is for your soul to be tired. Tired of living the same day over and over again because every day is a repetition of the one before. So predictable, it actually hurts. Four letters in my mind: SSDD (same shit, different day – Stephen King described it perfectly in his book Dreamcatcher). People who can’t understand our feelings will give us detailed instructions on how to change our lives. It isn’t so easy for us, the ones living the life others say is so easy to change. We don’t need instructions. It isn’t like we don’t try. It feels more like we’ve spent our whole lives trying and it becomes a race without a finish line, with no real way to win so we can finally say “I’m here, I made it, this is the life I always wanted”.
I know the feeling of wanting to disconnect yourself from the rest of the world or maybe just disappear for a while. After constant reminders of how you are not good enough you start to feel that it must be true, because after all, you’ve always felt like you don’t belong. So you wish you can just leave everything and everyone for a while, knowing they might not be there when and if you come back; of course you try to stay for as long as you can. A little support would be a lifesaver at this point but how to explain, how to talk about the secrets you don’t want to say? But we do, we stay… each time for a little longer because it is expected. We are adults. Maybe we stay because there is someone who will miss us or maybe because there is someone we always miss?
I’m scared that someday I will not find the courage to stay when all I want to do is to escape. Though sometimes late…I have to say it to myself: STAY. Stay because you’re missed. Stay because you are loved. Stay because life goes on and he makes it worth staying every day. Stay even when it’s taking a little bit more time to change; but sometimes what we are doing is changing the life of someone else. Whatever you do, know that there are people who want to understand… that they can’t live without you, and you don’t want to live without them. So Please, STAY.
After I wrote my previous post I couldn’t help overthinking about it. That is what I do, I overthink everything. I thought that I hated being in love. But not really, I just think I idealize love too much. When I’m in love I always want to be the best version of me. I always want to build something perfect that doesn’t exist. It can’t exist, nothing is perfect. I always see how to be better and of course, not everyone sees the same, not everyone is the same. Other people don’t always see it. If they are content with what they have then they won’t feel the need to be better.
When it comes to me, I’m always thinking of giving and not about what I can or should get in return. Always thinking of how can I make someone else happy all the time; to be a better partner, to do things the best I can so we can have a “better” (perfect?) relationship. Then I ask myself why I do all of that if I’m not getting the same effort in return. That’s when all the overthinking takes the stage… I think about how most of people put a lot of effort to get what they want. Once they have it? Why put so much effort on it? But me… I put on a little effort in the beginning and see if things are going to work. If I see it blossoming into something beautiful, then I put the effort into nourishing it, keeping it and making it the best it can possibly be.
That is how I know the problem is me. I get disappointed even when I know things will not always be 100/100. Relationships doesn’t work like that, we have to be prepared to give 80 in a day when the other person is feeling like 20 and whoever tells you they are supposed to be 50/50 they are lying. But I can see how efforts are not always equal and sometimes is not because they don’t want to, is because they don’t know how to. So I break my own heart. Not the other person but me, I’m the one who breaks my heart with expectations that can’t be real.
Now I’m at the point where I started to question if I was sabotaging my relationships. If I’m giving too much importance to things that can’t be changed (could they?). And I cry every night that I (over) think about all of this because I feel sad and of course, no one can see a reason why I should be. Maybe I don’t know how to balance my feelings.
After saying all of that, maybe I can get to the conclusion that I’m my own worst enemy. Someone told me I was asking too much of myself and expecting perfection. I said that I’m always thinking about how to fix everything and making it better. Not everything can be fixed? well in my mind, it can. So maybe all I have to do is fix myself?
I have been revisiting old posts lately. In part I guess it is because they are still relevant; they still describe how I feel today. If they are still relevant, then it means that in some way, I haven’t been able to “fix myself” or maybe there are a lot of questions, doubts or fears.
Maybe this is the reason why I still keep my little box of horrors…
There is a box hidden inside the darkest corners of my mind. It will keep safe what we have, will keep our relationship from breaking apart. You see what I most fear is that time will change what we feel. So I go there once in while to put all my bad thoughts inside. Stored away in that dark space are all the doubts that I have. When the trust tries to go away I lock those thoughts inside that place. Jealousy and anger are there too, all part of a time bomb I’m scared it could explode soon. I’m trying to put away my expectations because not everyone will make the same efforts. Now as I watch from afar with a glass of wine in my hand as the only witness to my crimes…trying to keep my insecurities locked inside so my relationship can last. A final toast to everything inside:
For all the things you didn’t see. The messages, love letters and text you won’t get but I wrote them anyway, they got deleted before I could push send. All the things we won’t share; the thoughts, the words, calls, dates, special days. I’m honestly hoping you will care. All the things you forgot, some promises you broke. The written pages, quotes collected, Pinterest boards created but you won’t get them. The social apps we couldn’t share, no reason now to be hiding out there. Chances missed, opportunities not taken. Pictures never shown of things and places; a world we could’ve shared but we missed it. All we can still learn or teach the other. Now I wonder why we never take the time for it. The heart shouldn’t know about distance. I don’t want to give up on all I’m feeling, trying to keep it away and hidden because I am afraid of all of it fading. For all the times I’ve tried. I learned the drill: get angry, argue, forgive and try, try, try. All the times I cried because I couldn’t say I wasn’t alright. I never want to make you angry because I care about details in our lives. For the times I felt neglected. I’m tired of repeating how to fix it. The secrets, the questions, the plans to build our forever. Because we should start now to make it simple later. every day I hope you understand and start making changes. I will drink to that and more to come, because I decided to put it all in The Box.
Now that all is done I will leave a note on top of the box. It will serve as a reminder for next time I’m here, to decide if it’s worth it to hide my fears. Remember this was me trying to make this work while waiting for you to play along… “SHE OFFERED YOU THE WORLD HOPING YOU CHOSE HER INSTEAD”.
You deserve someone who gives stability to your life, with whom you can go to sleep without having to ask yourself if they will love you tomorrow or not (but of course I will, for the rest of our lives together). Someone who would rather give up on being proud than give up on you ( I will never give up on us). Someone who makes you a priority and not an option, who gives you the place you deserve in their life. Why? Because you deserve love, honesty and respect. Love shouldn’t be a multiple answer question… loving should be your only choice.
We live in a world that makes us hide love when our love or the person we love doesn’t conform to the norms of society, culture or even religion. Sadly, this what teach us to hate so openly and love in secret. We forget that we walk through this world for just a moment in time. That people will not be with us for an eternity and that we run out of opportunities. Because of these reasons, say and do what you feel. Love as much as you can today because there might not be a tomorrow. No secrets… Share your love for the world to see.
Recently, an old friend approached me to ask about my opinion/advice about a situation he is in regarding his love interest. He wanted to express himself anonymously ( reason why he asked me to write this) in hopes to finally reach a decision and feel some peace in his heart. This is what he had to say:
” Many people ask the reason why, well, I can only tell by my experience because a woman loved me in a special way. Like no woman ever loved me before. She loved me in such a way, that I told her I couldn’t offer her material things and she said to me don’t worry, I fell in love with you because of the way you are, how you treat me and the way you treat other people. Well, you can say it’s easy and go for it! But no, the truth is that it’s very difficult. You must be asking Why? Simple: it’s an impossible love. Why? It’s a love so pure, so beautiful. It doesn’t seem real. The impossible part is because she is married and has kids. But not only that…her husband’s family feels a great affection towards me. Her life with him hasn’t been easy. You will understand the dilemma. Do you think is right to take away the woman he already has? Would I be a scoundrel? That’s the reason why I pushed her away from my life. I made up excuses to push her away but, why I think about her more with each passing day? Should I wait for fate to work in my favor? Keep looking for love? In some other eyes, some other gaze. Someone who is like her, if that even exist. I can’t seem to forget about her; we met and we hugged each other tighter than before. She looks beautiful to me even when disheveled. I haven’t forgotten about her! I wish I could try to build a new life. Could I? Who knows… Does she knows? Do I know? Perhaps God knows? “
While my friend here is facing a true dilemma, someone close to me told me recently that we couldn’t control love. I think the heart has reasons that the reason doesn’t understand. I talked to my friend a couple of days ago. He assured me he was finally letting go of her and forgetting about her. Funny that he says that, he talks to me about her almost every day.
There’s so much in my mind all the time, but words don’t linger enough in our minds and heart to keep them for a long time. Little love notes help me keep track of everything I wish I could say but I choose not to. Love can be so overwhelming at times, it’s one of the feelings that I can hardly manage and keep under control all the time. What can I do? I’m a hopeless romantic.
Sometimes it feels like floating in an endless ocean with soft waves carrying me effortlessly all the way to you. Why today it feels like I’m drowning? I don’t even make an effort to go back to shore… So I let myself drift away farther and farther away from myself and all the way to you. Music plays in my head, I can hear Blue October as the sound gets lost inside my head…
“Sometimes it feels just like I’m falling in the ocean
Let the waves up and take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now come down
Let the rain come down”