Drowning In The Sea Of Life…

Part 1 – Part 2

There’s a song by Ricardo Arjona that describes falling out of love and a relationship dying/ending as a slow progressing illness. Kind of like what happened to my relationship. Listening to it makes me think about how all the signs were there but either we chose to ignore it or we thought we could work harder to make things better. I even remember a friend mentioning that if we missed a window of opportunity, the relationship would surely die. The thing is that no matter how much you think about it and see the signs, you try to do the impossible to save it.

The beginning of the end. In August 2017,  with the help of my Sis , I planned (and paid) my dream vacation with my S/O in Egypt. For reasons I will not detail here, we ended up canceling the trip 2 days before I was supposed to travel (December 2017). I was devastated but I tried to keep a positive attitude when we talked about it and made all the promises that I knew we wouldn’t keep. It was really hard to come to terms with what happened. In part because we had months to prepare for it and some of the reasons why we canceled could’ve been avoided or worked with if addressed on time (not 2 days before traveling) and the other part is because in a LDR a meeting can take months or even years to schedule due to different life events. In our case we waited for college and then army. Needless to say, it took us some time to get our relationship back on track after that blow.

The second time around. Fast forward to 2018 and me making plans again. I talked to both the airline and travel agency back when the trip was canceled and they both told me the same thing: the ticket was still on hold but in order to re schedule it, I would have to pay a fine. In August 2018, exactly one year later,  I called the travel agency to re schedule my trip to Egypt. I was surprised to discover that I didn’t have to pay a fine exactly, instead I had to pay the difference between what I paid back in 2017 (around $1376) and the value of the same trip at that moment (around $3200). I wasn’t prepared for that. I had saved more money to pay the fine and make extra arrangements but nowhere near the almost $2000 I had to come up with in like 3 days. That’s the amount of days I had to make it work 3 days.  I had enough money to cover a place to stay and all other expenses while traveling but not enough to include that amount and there was no way I could come up with all of it in 3 days. I talked to my S/O about all of it but I knew he was unable to help at the moment. 

Drowning in the sea of life. At that point in our relationship I have to admit that I was evaluating if trying again was the right choice. My S/O was convinced we could make it and didn’t want us to give up.  We thought we’ve seen the light at the end of the tunnel when he got a new job. That job put him away from home, in a shared bedroom without free days until after 30 days approximately and further away from each other as a couple. Our jobs, time difference, our lives… our relationship was slowly drowning. I remember his first days off we barely talked because his siblings were home for vacation. At this point, I knew there wasn’t enough interest in our relationship.  Text messages became repetitive, almost like copy paste. Conversations became superfluous. I guess I was just waiting for an imaginary lifeguard to throw me/us a lifebuoy. 

The end (December 3, 2018). Like i said at the beginning, it was all about seeing the signs, but doing the impossible to save it. In the end, I found the courage to ask an impossible question: When did our relationship ended? He never answered when but he agreed that our relationship ended and that we killed it. After that I had to ask the next impossible question: What do you want? his answer was clear. 

drowning

After everything is said and done you are left with more questions than answers. You are forced to think about how it all went down and ask yourself if there was something you could’ve done or should’ve done to change the outcome. Your answer will always be yes and you will torture yourself replaying all of the possible scenarios in your head because after all, you know what they say… pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Maybe I will talk more about that later. 

gibypea3

 

 

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On The Road To Letting Go

Part 2 – Part 1

Getting this message in Tumblr a few months ago opened my eyes. Made me think about how stuck I was and how long it was taking me to heal. Shortly after replying to it I started to get my things in order and prepared to take a trip on the road to letting go.

I updated my social accounts and thought about leaving my LDR journey behind, after all, it was over. But after thinking about it for the longest time I realized that even if I don’t believe, I still care.

Healing takes time and part of healing is letting go of the anger. When I realized that I had to let go of the anger, the bad memories and the pain, it allowed me to move forward on my healing journey and even give some space to forgiveness. I said to myself : Giby, it is what it is and maybe it’s not meant to be.

The road to letting go is a long and winding road… so what did I packed for my trip?

  • Patience: I knew it was a long journey. Healing takes time, getting back on track takes time so you will need lots of patience to adjust to the changes and the ups and downs life will throw at you.
  • Friends/family: everything is better with friends so why not take them with you? Having someone to support you is really important and will help you along the way.
  • Entertainment: now that you have more time on your hands, why not invest it on you? Go out, pick up some hobbies or do more of your favorite things.

Things are different now. In the beginning of my journey I stumbled upon PUBG and it helped me to keep my mind off things. Incredibly, it also brought my ex and I closer again in terms of friendship.

One last thing you will realize while on the road of letting go: not everyone is meant to stay, so you will end up letting go of more people than you thought you would. I had to give up on people who were just taking space in my life without giving me the chance of having a space in theirs.

Drowning In The Sea Of Life…

Part 1 – Part 2

There’s a song by Ricardo Arjona that describes falling out of love and a relationship dying/ending as a slow progressing illness. Kind of like what happened to my relationship. Listening to it makes me think about how all the signs were there but either we chose to ignore it or we thought we could work harder to make things better. I even remember a friend mentioning that if we missed a window of opportunity, the relationship would surely die. The thing is that no matter how much you think about it and see the signs, you try to do the impossible to save it.

The beginning of the end. In August 2017,  with the help of my Sis , I planned (and paid) my dream vacation with my S/O in Egypt. For reasons I will not detail here, we ended up canceling the trip 2 days before I was supposed to travel (December 2017). I was devastated but I tried to keep a positive attitude when we talked about it and made all the promises that I knew we wouldn’t keep. It was really hard to come to terms with what happened. In part because we had months to prepare for it and some of the reasons why we canceled could’ve been avoided or worked with if addressed on time (not 2 days before traveling) and the other part is because in a LDR a meeting can take months or even years to schedule due to different life events. In our case we waited for college and then army. Needless to say, it took us some time to get our relationship back on track after that blow.

The second time around. Fast forward to 2018 and me making plans again. I talked to both the airline and travel agency back when the trip was canceled and they both told me the same thing: the ticket was still on hold but in order to re schedule it, I would have to pay a fine. In August 2018, exactly one year later,  I called the travel agency to re schedule my trip to Egypt. I was surprised to discover that I didn’t have to pay a fine exactly, instead I had to pay the difference between what I paid back in 2017 (around $1376) and the value of the same trip at that moment (around $3200). I wasn’t prepared for that. I had saved more money to pay the fine and make extra arrangements but nowhere near the almost $2000 I had to come up with in like 3 days. That’s the amount of days I had to make it work 3 days.  I had enough money to cover a place to stay and all other expenses while traveling but not enough to include that amount and there was no way I could come up with all of it in 3 days. I talked to my S/O about all of it but I knew he was unable to help at the moment. 

Drowning in the sea of life. At that point in our relationship I have to admit that I was evaluating if trying again was the right choice. My S/O was convinced we could make it and didn’t want us to give up.  We thought we’ve seen the light at the end of the tunnel when he got a new job. That job put him away from home, in a shared bedroom without free days until after 30 days approximately and further away from each other as a couple. Our jobs, time difference, our lives… our relationship was slowly drowning. I remember his first days off we barely talked because his siblings were home for vacation. At this point, I knew there wasn’t enough interest in our relationship.  Text messages became repetitive, almost like copy paste. Conversations became superfluous. I guess I was just waiting for an imaginary lifeguard to throw me/us a lifebuoy. 

The end (December 3, 2018). Like i said at the beginning, it was all about seeing the signs, but doing the impossible to save it. In the end, I found the courage to ask an impossible question: When did our relationship ended? He never answered when but he agreed that our relationship ended and that we killed it. After that I had to ask the next impossible question: What do you want? his answer was clear. 

drowning

After everything is said and done you are left with more questions than answers. You are forced to think about how it all went down and ask yourself if there was something you could’ve done or should’ve done to change the outcome. Your answer will always be yes and you will torture yourself replaying all of the possible scenarios in your head because after all, you know what they say… pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Maybe I will talk more about that later. 

gibypea3

 

 

Messages & Memories

I keep re reading old conversations. It’s inevitable to laugh every time I read old messages. I find incredible that someone can remember details that would be so easy to forget. I laugh because there are events, things and people we never forget about. We keep making and accumulating so many memories throughout our lives; sometimes we forget some of them to make space for the new ones.

It’s beautiful to know that someone has chosen to keep the memories they have of me. That they didn’t simply forget about everything just to make space for something else or because of someone else. I guess in the end that’s what we become… someone else’s memories.

Light Of My Life

The way they light up your heart… someone comes along and they share a bit of a flame from their hearts or they always have some extra spark so your heart can shine too. That gives us warmth in  place so cold like this one.

Pay attention to that person who gives you some of their fire, to that person who is always looking for the way to light up your way to love.

gibypea3

Maybe Someday

Maybe I can’t make you fall in love with me. I don’t think that you even want to fall in love. Feeling love is one of the things we deny ourselves most of the times…but maybe i can make you think about me on a normal day while you drink coffee and doodle in a napkin. Maybe you will throw it away but not without smiling first. Maybe I will never know about it. Maybe someday you call me and say in the most casual way “I thought about you today” and then I would know I’m making progress. I’m not asking for every day of the rest of your life but a minute in your heart.

I want you to think about me without needing a reason why…the same way I think about you and smile. Maybe someday life will surprise us with a “you know what? I love you” and with  “I love you too”. That day you will know that not everything is lost, there are feelings  that are always there inside our soul waiting for the person to make them come out (even for just a minute) from inside our hearts.

img_0955-2

Thoughts of a LDR gf: Birthday Edition

Today is very special because two people I love were born today. In my opinion, birthdays should be special because of two things: you arrived to this world on this day (years ago) and you have managed to stay here for one more year.

One of those persons is the other half of my LDR. Don’t you wish celebrating bdays were easier in LDRs? I sure do. I spent a few days thinking about all the things we would do if we were together but until now, we’ve never been together on a birthday (or any other holiday). I felt like ideas were not flowing inside my head on how to make this day a bit special because of the distance and because our relationship has gone through some major changes.

If your ideas seem to be MIA here are some of mine that came a little too late (or were impossible in the first place):

Plan ahead: if it’s possible to spend the day together physically then by all means do it. If it won’t be possible then make other plans or arrangements to make the other person feel special.

Virtual date: watch a movie, have the longest video call in the history of your relationship… whatever you do, do it online and do it together. Your S/O will appreciate the time and effort.

Snail mail: I have to admit that I’m a fan of snail mail. Love letters, cards, presents. Getting mail is one of the nicest feeling in the world and the person who sends it only makes the feeling extra special.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it comes out of your love for that person. I was really upset because I didn’t know what to do or what to give and our schedules and timing have been horrible lately. Ahmad deserves the best and I keep thinking that maybe one day I will make up for all the bdays we couldn’t celebrate or all the gifts I couldn’t send or give, even after this convo.

Today is his special day and I don’t know if he knows it but I would give him the world if I could.