Category / Life

by Gibran Cruz

This Christmas Feels Heavy, and I’m Letting That Be Okay

I don’t know exactly why, but this Christmas feels heavy.

Been thinking about it since the start of November, when everyone seems to get into the holiday spirit. Maybe it’s the cost of everything, how even simple things feel stressful instead of fun. Maybe it’s everything happening in the world, the constant noise, the feeling that so much is out of my control. Or maybe I’m just tired—bone-deep tired in a way that rest doesn’t immediately fix.

Whatever the reason, I’m learning to let myself say it out loud.

I don’t feel especially Christmassy this year. And for the first time, I’m allowing that to be okay.

This season looks quieter for me. I’m doing less. I’m simplifying. I’m skipping some of the extra gatherings and saving my energy for the people under my roof. Not because I don’t care—but because I do. Because I know my limits, and I’m choosing not to push past them just to meet an expectation.

For a long time, I thought Christmas had to feel magical to be meaningful. That if I wasn’t fully in the spirit, I was somehow doing it wrong. But this year, my goal isn’t magical—it’s manageable.

If I can make it feel warm and special for the ones I love, I’m letting that be enough. If all I can do is get through it with some sense of peace intact, I’m counting that as a win.

I’m also realizing that joy doesn’t always look the way we expect it to. Sometimes it’s not loud or sparkly. Sometimes joy looks like rest. Sometimes it looks like boundaries. Sometimes it looks like choosing peace over pressure and letting go of the need to perform happiness.

I’m not doing Christmas wrong.

I’m doing the best I can with where I am right now—and that has to count for something.

If this season feels heavy for you too, I hope you know you’re not alone. And I hope you give yourself permission to let this Christmas be softer, quieter, and kinder than usual.

Sometimes, that’s exactly what we need. 🎄✨

by Gibran Cruz

The Last Thing I Learned

What is the last thing you learned?

 Because life… is not a movie. Everyone lies. Good guys lose. And love… does not conquer all.

Buddy Ackerman – Swimming with Sharks (1994)

When I was a teenager, around the year that movie came out, I had a notebook filled with movie quotes. That was one of them. Now, after a (recent) series of unfortunate events, I was reminded of it and I’m still learning that :

  • Life (and everything in it) will not always turn out the way I planned it or want it. We shouldn’t fall in love with ideas.
  • People will lie to you for various reasons: either they feel they have to or they want to. I know… but it hurts anyway.
  • Doesn’t matter how good I try to be or the good things I do… It will never be enough. I’m a loser after all.
  • Last but not least… Love is never enough. It’s not always a two way street.

by Gibran Cruz

My 2024 Trial Has Ended…

This past holiday season was a bit harder than others. I said goodbye to the year that ended and welcomed the new one with hope for better days. Some of us made “new year’s resolutions”… promises to ourselves that we don’t intend to keep. More often than not, the new year is a continuation of the previous one: same feelings, same hardships.

January ended (at last!) and with it our 2024 trial. I know some people are expecting a year full of happiness. Maybe it will be sad for others and, for a few of us, it is just another year turning pages of a calendar.

Each person lives their year in a unique way. We realize we are not the same people we were a year ago. We met people who walked with us into the new year… others we had to leave behind. In spite of all the challenges, difficult moments —and the happy ones we can’t get enough of—it all seems worth it.

After the clock struck 12 a little more than a month ago, our wishes for others were the same things we wanted for ourselves… year after year after year.

by Gibran Cruz

What’s something you believe everyone should know.

Everyone should know they’re loved. Say it as much as you can. We’re only here for a little while…

by Gibran Cruz

Start Somewhere New…

What’s something you would attempt if you were guaranteed not to fail.

I’ve always been scared of big changes. But if there was a guarantee… I would move to another country. I would pick up all the pieces I call life and start somewhere new where no one knows me.

What makes it so difficult? Is it that I tried before and failed? Or is it the thought of leaving behind the only life I knew?

What about you? What would you do?

by Gibran Cruz

Another Trip Around The Sun…

When I was a kid I loved celebrating my birthday. December came and it meant I would get like 3 gifts, one after the other, or one big expensive gift because my birthday, Christmas and Three Kings Day were weeks apart. But then as I grew up it became less exciting (even when I always bought something special for myself) and I would say that “after 25 you don’t celebrate your birthday, is more like you commemorate the day you were born, just another trip around the Sun”.

Fast forward some years and that trip around the Sun became the yearly reminder of everything I’ve failed at and what I couldn’t accomplish in “all my trips”. Today is no exception. I’m still thinking about getting a Chocolate Stampede like usual, because chocolate understands that everything changes but my life stays the same. At least that is how it feels after all these years. Sometimes I think that it’s too late for changes while other days, like today, I allow myself to dream.

“And in all the world, I see,
Man dreams whatever he be,
And his own dream no man knows.
What is life? a tale that is told;
What is life? a frenzy extreme,
A shadow of things that seem;
And the greatest good is but small,
That all life is a dream to all,
And that dreams themselves are a dream.”

—Pedro Calderon de la Barca

Today I want to think that life is but a dream, in which we are all dreaming of who we are and what we can be. Will you dream with me?

by Gibran Cruz

Always Something To Be Thankful for…

This has been a challenging year and it isn’t over yet. In spite of everything that might be going on in our lives, global pandemic included, there’s always a reason (or a few) to be thankful. We have seen how our whole lives can change in a second and we wouldn’t even know that it’s coming. Before, we thought we knew what kind of world this is, but after, everything was different for a lot of us. Not bad, maybe, not always, but different forever.

Each of us has a journey. The destination may change for some of us but we are always on the road. Sometimes is not the destination that gives us happiness but the road traveled and the people who accompany us in our journey. Today I am thankful for all the people in my life. The ones that are still here (you are blessings) and the ones who aren’t anymore (lessons) because they left me with experiences that shaped my life in some way.

Thankful for the people helping me write the story of my life…my family by blood and the family I chose by love (you know who you are). It doesn’t matter if you’re writing a page or a chapter… let’s keep writing a masterpiece. Last but not least, I should thank the universe for a special person who decided to make our journeys one for us to share. The rest of my life will not be enough to build beautiful things that will last forever.

For the brave people who decided to love me…

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

by Gibran Cruz

Hold On…Before It’s Too Late (Stay – version 2.0)

Sometimes we write the words we wish to hear. Because I know how it is for your soul to be tired. Tired of living the same day over and over again because every day is a repetition of the one before. So predictable, it actually hurts. Four letters in my mind: SSDD (same shit, different day – Stephen King described it perfectly in his book Dreamcatcher). People who can’t understand our feelings will give us detailed instructions on how to change our lives. It isn’t so easy for us,  the ones living the life others say is so easy to change. We don’t need instructions. It isn’t like we don’t try. It feels more like we’ve spent our whole lives trying and it becomes a race without a finish line, with no real way to win so we can finally say “I’m here, I made it, this is the life I always wanted”.

I know the feeling of wanting to disconnect yourself from the rest of the world or maybe just disappear for a while. After constant reminders of how you are not good enough you start to feel that it must be true, because after all, you’ve always felt like you don’t belong. So you wish you can just leave everything and everyone for a while, knowing they might not be there when and if you come back; of course you try to stay for as long as you can. A little support would be a lifesaver at this point but how to explain, how to talk about the secrets you don’t want to say? But we do, we stay… each time for a little longer because it is expected. We are adults. Maybe we stay because there is someone who will miss us or maybe because there is someone we always miss?

I’m scared that someday I will not find the courage to stay when all I want to do is to escape. Though sometimes late…I have to say it to myself: STAY. Stay because you’re missed. Stay because you are loved. Stay because life goes on and he makes it worth staying every day. Stay even when it’s taking a little bit more time to change; but sometimes what we are doing is changing the life of someone else. Whatever you do, know that there are people who want to understand… that they can’t live without you, and you don’t want to live without them. So Please, STAY.

by Gibran Cruz

Say What You Feel

We live in a world that makes us hide love when our love or the person we love doesn’t conform to the norms of society, culture or even religion. Sadly, this what teach us to hate so openly and love in secret. We forget that we walk through this world for just a moment in time. That people will not be with us for an eternity and that we run out of opportunities. Because of these reasons, say and do what you feel.  Love as much as you can today because there might not be a tomorrow. No secrets… Share your love for the world to see.

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by Gibran Cruz

Guest Post: To Love or Not To Love?

Recently, an old friend approached me to ask about my opinion/advice about a situation he is in regarding his love interest. He wanted to express himself anonymously ( reason why he asked me to write this) in hopes to finally reach a decision and feel some peace in his heart. This is what he had to say:

” Many people ask the reason why, well, I can only tell by my experience because a woman loved me in a special way. Like no woman ever loved me before. She loved me in such a way, that I told her I couldn’t offer her material things and she said to me don’t worry, I fell in love with you because of the way you are, how you treat me and the way you treat other people. Well, you can say it’s easy and go for it! But no, the truth is that it’s very difficult. You must be asking Why? Simple: it’s an impossible love. Why? It’s a love so pure, so beautiful. It doesn’t seem real. The impossible part is because she is married and has kids. But not only that…her husband’s family feels a great affection towards me. Her life with him hasn’t been easy. You will understand the dilemma. Do you think is right to take away the woman he already has? Would I be a scoundrel? That’s the reason why I pushed her away from my life. I made up excuses to push her away but, why I think about  her more with each passing day? Should I wait for fate to work in my favor? Keep looking for love? In some other eyes, some other gaze. Someone who is like her, if that even exist. I can’t seem to forget about her; we met and we hugged each other tighter than before. She looks beautiful to me even when disheveled. I haven’t forgotten about her! I wish I could try to build a new life. Could I? Who knows… Does she knows? Do I know? Perhaps God knows? “

While my friend here is facing a true dilemma, someone close to me told me recently that we couldn’t control love. I think the heart has reasons that the reason doesn’t understand. I talked to my friend a couple of days ago. He assured me he was finally letting go of her and forgetting about her. Funny that he says that, he talks to me about her almost every day.

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