Tag / my so called life

by Gibran Cruz

This Christmas Feels Heavy, and I’m Letting That Be Okay

I don’t know exactly why, but this Christmas feels heavy.

Been thinking about it since the start of November, when everyone seems to get into the holiday spirit. Maybe it’s the cost of everything, how even simple things feel stressful instead of fun. Maybe it’s everything happening in the world, the constant noise, the feeling that so much is out of my control. Or maybe I’m just tired—bone-deep tired in a way that rest doesn’t immediately fix.

Whatever the reason, I’m learning to let myself say it out loud.

I don’t feel especially Christmassy this year. And for the first time, I’m allowing that to be okay.

This season looks quieter for me. I’m doing less. I’m simplifying. I’m skipping some of the extra gatherings and saving my energy for the people under my roof. Not because I don’t care—but because I do. Because I know my limits, and I’m choosing not to push past them just to meet an expectation.

For a long time, I thought Christmas had to feel magical to be meaningful. That if I wasn’t fully in the spirit, I was somehow doing it wrong. But this year, my goal isn’t magical—it’s manageable.

If I can make it feel warm and special for the ones I love, I’m letting that be enough. If all I can do is get through it with some sense of peace intact, I’m counting that as a win.

I’m also realizing that joy doesn’t always look the way we expect it to. Sometimes it’s not loud or sparkly. Sometimes joy looks like rest. Sometimes it looks like boundaries. Sometimes it looks like choosing peace over pressure and letting go of the need to perform happiness.

I’m not doing Christmas wrong.

I’m doing the best I can with where I am right now—and that has to count for something.

If this season feels heavy for you too, I hope you know you’re not alone. And I hope you give yourself permission to let this Christmas be softer, quieter, and kinder than usual.

Sometimes, that’s exactly what we need. 🎄✨

by Gibran Cruz

The Lives We Didn’t Live

Today I should be celebrating my 5th wedding anniversary. By the 5th year (wood anniversary), your marriage is seen as having strong foundations, it can withstand challenges and continue to grow over time. Like last year, I did the math today and with a week here and there of us traveling to each other, I think we hit the 9 month mark of being physically together out of those 5 years.

I keep thinking about the book The Midnight Library by Matt Haig and how it says that it’s easy to mourn the lives we didn’t live. The version of ourselves that moved to another city. Traveled more. Settled down earlier. Said “ I love you” when we had the chance (or didn’t).

I don’t know if it’s all the missed opportunities or the regrets that feel like a punishment. Like I’ve failed somehow. I don’t know if those other lives would have been better. Or just…different. The feeling of uncertainty is part of being human. I can’t change or undo our previous years together. Our marriage is happening. Now. Maybe we are not too late. Maybe all we have to do is show up for each other but that requires change.

If you are in a LDR it’s easy to imagine the version of life where you’re together every day – no screens, no countdowns, no miles. But I can’t forget that this version of my life – even with the distance – is real too.

So here is your gentle reminder for today:

  • Be present with the love you have even if it looks different from what you imagine.

If you feel like sharing, I’d love to hear your story about that “alternate life” you are grieving or the beauty you’ve found in the one you are living now.

Drop a comment or send me a message. You’re not alone in this.

by Gibran Cruz

Building A Better Relationship: How To Be A Better Partner Guide

Feelings are important in a relationship and how you act on those feelings can be the difference between having a healthy lasting relationship or getting a ticket to Splitsville. Every relationship is different, but there are some key elements (in my opinion) that can help you build beautiful things that will last forever. I call this the “How to be a Better Partner Guide”.

  • Trust – Trust is knowing your significant other can fuck up at any time, but having faith they won’t. You cannot truly love someone else without trusting them. It’s the foundation to any lasting relationship. When you and your partner trust each other, you have reassurance that you will not hurt each other on purpose and that the relationship will heal after arguments or fights. All of this makes you feel at ease when your partner is doing their own thing and you’re not around.
  • Balance – Relationships thrive and blossom when there is balance. In a healthy relationship, it’s easier to face life’s challenges hand in hand with your significant other. On the other hand, it can be a disappointment when one of you doesn’t put enough effort or investment to face those challenges together. I read once that “love isn’t always a two way street” and when only one person provides most of the support (financial, emotional, esteem, etc…) it could feel like the relationship is mostly one sided. This can cause a lot of strain. Now don’t get me wrong – relationships are not always 50/50. There are times when you have to be ready to give 80% when your partner feels like a 20%. But without equal effort and support to each other and your relationship, it becomes unbalanced and it can lead to insecurities (affecting the trust you have in each other and the relationship process) and maybe even resentment.
  • Communication – Have you ever heard something like “So much is lost between what is said and not done and what is done but not said”? That is why communication is so important. There will be a lot of talking, texting, sharing and even video calling in every social media app or messenger you guys have, specially if you’re in a LDR. Communication involves so much more than that. It also means learning to listen to your partner to have a better understanding of their point of view or the feelings they are trying to explain or show. It’s a constant exchange of words and actions that will help you work towards the same goals and future plans, resolve arguments and ease any discomfort that can come up in a relationship.
  • Commitment – Being committed in a relationship means that your behavior, thoughts and beliefs are aimed at meeting your partner’s needs and vice versa. When you make promises to a partner, you are stating your intentions. But when you act on that promise, it shows your commitment. It means that both of you are working together now, to have a better future. Commitment is not something we can turn “on” or “off”. Staying and loving someone is a decision we have to make every single day. The same goes for staying loyal to each other (no cheating or being unfaithful). This will help you have a sense of stability and feel safe in your relationship with your partner.
  • Safety – If you are able to manage the previous four elements… Congratulations! You just unlocked the “safety achievement”. Trusting your partner – and being trusted in return – having a well balanced relationship, communicating effectively and being able to make a commitment to yourself and each other, will give you the feeling of safety in a relationship (both physical and emotional safety). Have you ever heard the phrase “sometimes home is a person”? It’s because we know that’s the place we should feel comfortable and protected. Those feelings comes in many ways but basically, your partner should never feel the threat of being physically harmed or emotionally intimidated. Here are some ways to make your partner feel safe:
    • Respect boundaries you both agree on
    • Make your relationship a priority
    • Listen to understand your partner
    • Be transparent. Don’t lie or hide things and always keep your promises
    • Show effort
by Gibran Cruz

It’s Later Than You Think

Yesterday (August 10) was my 4th wedding anniversary and it’s been a bittersweet roller coaster of emotions. Ahmed and I closed the distance July of last year and, four months later, we were back doing long distance because of a job. So I did the math today and we’ve been physically together a total of 7 or 8 months max out of the 4 years of marriage (cue the sad violins).

Thinking about how time flies by, and how little time we’ve spent together, reminded me of a phrase immortalized in a song:

The years go by, as quickly as a wink. Enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think.

The obvious message is that we should have fun while we can, before we get old and die. But for me it has a deeper meaning. It’s about time passing by and not getting to spend it with the person I thought I would share every moment with. Life is fleeting. It’s better to have had your wish than to have wished you had.

by Gibran Cruz

The Last Thing I Learned

What is the last thing you learned?

 Because life… is not a movie. Everyone lies. Good guys lose. And love… does not conquer all.

Buddy Ackerman – Swimming with Sharks (1994)

When I was a teenager, around the year that movie came out, I had a notebook filled with movie quotes. That was one of them. Now, after a (recent) series of unfortunate events, I was reminded of it and I’m still learning that :

  • Life (and everything in it) will not always turn out the way I planned it or want it. We shouldn’t fall in love with ideas.
  • People will lie to you for various reasons: either they feel they have to or they want to. I know… but it hurts anyway.
  • Doesn’t matter how good I try to be or the good things I do… It will never be enough. I’m a loser after all.
  • Last but not least… Love is never enough. It’s not always a two way street.

by Gibran Cruz

My 2024 Trial Has Ended…

This past holiday season was a bit harder than others. I said goodbye to the year that ended and welcomed the new one with hope for better days. Some of us made “new year’s resolutions”… promises to ourselves that we don’t intend to keep. More often than not, the new year is a continuation of the previous one: same feelings, same hardships.

January ended (at last!) and with it our 2024 trial. I know some people are expecting a year full of happiness. Maybe it will be sad for others and, for a few of us, it is just another year turning pages of a calendar.

Each person lives their year in a unique way. We realize we are not the same people we were a year ago. We met people who walked with us into the new year… others we had to leave behind. In spite of all the challenges, difficult moments —and the happy ones we can’t get enough of—it all seems worth it.

After the clock struck 12 a little more than a month ago, our wishes for others were the same things we wanted for ourselves… year after year after year.

by Gibran Cruz

What’s something you believe everyone should know.

Everyone should know they’re loved. Say it as much as you can. We’re only here for a little while…

by Gibran Cruz

Start Somewhere New…

What’s something you would attempt if you were guaranteed not to fail.

I’ve always been scared of big changes. But if there was a guarantee… I would move to another country. I would pick up all the pieces I call life and start somewhere new where no one knows me.

What makes it so difficult? Is it that I tried before and failed? Or is it the thought of leaving behind the only life I knew?

What about you? What would you do?

by Gibran Cruz

Big Airports And How To Get Lost In Them

Airports are like magical waiting rooms on your way to or from home. Like any magical place, you have to be ready for adventure to happen at any moment. At least that was what I was thinking back on February 5th 2021 after hugging my brother and walking into Luis Muñoz Marín International Airport in Puerto Rico with Jay as my trusted sidekick.

Once inside, everyone seemed to know what they were doing and where they were going except me. After getting our bags inspected by the USDA and losing the sticker 20 seconds later, we were ready for every safety protocol and flying to NYC. Piece of advice here: don’t put money in your pocket. You’ll look funny holding it in your hands and triggering every single thing inside the body scanner. Let me tell you that I’m not scared of flying. But when you’re in a plane full of people and scared to even breath inside your mask because of Covid, you start playing different scenarios in your head and even think about every airplane accident and how no one survives it. I think I have an overactive imagination or maybe I just need to download more movies the next time… who knows.

JFK International Airport in NY is huge. From skywalks inside the airport to the Airtrain to connect passengers to their terminal I think you get the idea. Security is very tight so we were checking our watches every few minutes and praying to make it in time for our next flight. It took us around 2 hrs to get through security and everything and we even had time to spend $30 (price for 2 combos) in a McDonalds because we were scared to wander away from our gate. We took our time to eat, charge our devices, made some calls to family and friends and to our surprise, there was another boricua (someone from Puerto Rico) taking the same flight to Cairo. Here (PR) we have a saying about that: “you can go anywhere in the world and you will find a boricua”. Turns out “our plantain stain” showed by the way we talked Spanish. We spent the rest of the wait and flight talking and sharing food with Felix (forget about Covid and all). When it comes to food, we boricuas forget about everything else going on; it can be the end of the world and we’d still be cooking and/or eating.

Flight from NY to Cairo is a little over 10hrs. There is no amount of movies, books or music in your device to prepare you for it. Trust me. EgyptAir is an excellent airline. It’s like going back to preschool; they serve you food and then turn off the lights so you can take a nap after eating. Looking at the screen that shows you the map and route gave me enough time to think about planes crashing into the ocean. Luckily, I didn’t have internet to search about it or the desire to know the odds. Let’s just say I have a greater chance of having an accident in the streets of Cairo even if I’m not the one driving.

We arrived at Cairo around midday the next day and our next adventure began. Cairo International Airport is easy to navigate even for foreigners. The amount of security makes you feel at ease and everyone is very helpful – even when the soap dispenser in the bathroom explodes all over you – just ask Jay about it.

There are no words to describe the feeling of walking outside and seeing my husband waiting for me at the door. He remembers the only word I said while hugging him… “finally”. One word to try and say everything my heart was keeping inside. Ten months later (December 17, 2021 to be exact) we got to replay that scene. Only this time he was the one whispering in my ear “finally” while he hugged me once again outside the same door. Feels amazing to be here with him again if only for a few weeks.

by Gibran Cruz

I Am that I Am (Erin’s Monologue)

“Myself. My self.

That’s the problem. That’s the whole problem with the whole thing. That word, “self.” Thats not the word. That’s not right, that isn’t…How did I forget that? When did I forget that?

The body stops a cell at a time, but the brain keeps firing those neurons.

Little lightning bolts, like fireworks inside and I thought I’d despair or feel afraid, but I don’t feel any of that. None of it. Because I’m too busy. I’m too busy in the moment. Remembering. Of course. I remember that every atom in my body was forged in a star.

This matter, this body is mostly empty space after all, and solid matter? It’s just energy vibrating very slowly why there is no me. There never was.

The electrons of my body mingle and dance with the electrons of the ground below me and the air I’m no longer breathing. And I remember there is no point where any of that ends and I begin. I remember I am energy. Not memory. Not self. My name, my personality, my choices, all came after me.

I was before them and I will be after, and everything else is pictures, picked up along the way. Fleeting little dreamlets printed on the tissue of my dying brain.

And I am the lightning that jumps between. I am the energy firing the neurons, and I’m returning. Just by remembering, I’m returning home.

And it’s like a drop of water falling back into the ocean, of which it’s always been a part. All things… a part. You, me and my little girl, and my mother and my father, everyone’s who’s ever been, every plant, every animal, every atom, every start, every galaxy, all of it. More galaxies in the universe than grains of sand on the beach.

And that’s what we’re talking about when we say “God.”

The cosmos and its infinite dreams. We are the cosmos dreaming of itself. It’s simply a dream that I think is my life, every time. But I’ll forget this. I always do. I always forget my dreams.

But now, in this split-second, in the moment I remember, the instant I remember, I comprehend everything at once.

There is no time. There is no death. Life is a dream. It’s a wish. Made again and again and again and again and again and again and on into eternity. And I am all of it.

I am everything. I am all. I am that I am.”