Tag / Long Distance Relationship

by Gibran Cruz

The Lives We Didn’t Live

Today I should be celebrating my 5th wedding anniversary. By the 5th year (wood anniversary), your marriage is seen as having strong foundations, it can withstand challenges and continue to grow over time. Like last year, I did the math today and with a week here and there of us traveling to each other, I think we hit the 9 month mark of being physically together out of those 5 years.

I keep thinking about the book The Midnight Library by Matt Haig and how it says that it’s easy to mourn the lives we didn’t live. The version of ourselves that moved to another city. Traveled more. Settled down earlier. Said “ I love you” when we had the chance (or didn’t).

I don’t know if it’s all the missed opportunities or the regrets that feel like a punishment. Like I’ve failed somehow. I don’t know if those other lives would have been better. Or just…different. The feeling of uncertainty is part of being human. I can’t change or undo our previous years together. Our marriage is happening. Now. Maybe we are not too late. Maybe all we have to do is show up for each other but that requires change.

If you are in a LDR it’s easy to imagine the version of life where you’re together every day – no screens, no countdowns, no miles. But I can’t forget that this version of my life – even with the distance – is real too.

So here is your gentle reminder for today:

  • Be present with the love you have even if it looks different from what you imagine.

If you feel like sharing, I’d love to hear your story about that “alternate life” you are grieving or the beauty you’ve found in the one you are living now.

Drop a comment or send me a message. You’re not alone in this.

by Gibran Cruz

Building A Better Relationship: How To Be A Better Partner Guide

Feelings are important in a relationship and how you act on those feelings can be the difference between having a healthy lasting relationship or getting a ticket to Splitsville. Every relationship is different, but there are some key elements (in my opinion) that can help you build beautiful things that will last forever. I call this the “How to be a Better Partner Guide”.

  • Trust – Trust is knowing your significant other can fuck up at any time, but having faith they won’t. You cannot truly love someone else without trusting them. It’s the foundation to any lasting relationship. When you and your partner trust each other, you have reassurance that you will not hurt each other on purpose and that the relationship will heal after arguments or fights. All of this makes you feel at ease when your partner is doing their own thing and you’re not around.
  • Balance – Relationships thrive and blossom when there is balance. In a healthy relationship, it’s easier to face life’s challenges hand in hand with your significant other. On the other hand, it can be a disappointment when one of you doesn’t put enough effort or investment to face those challenges together. I read once that “love isn’t always a two way street” and when only one person provides most of the support (financial, emotional, esteem, etc…) it could feel like the relationship is mostly one sided. This can cause a lot of strain. Now don’t get me wrong – relationships are not always 50/50. There are times when you have to be ready to give 80% when your partner feels like a 20%. But without equal effort and support to each other and your relationship, it becomes unbalanced and it can lead to insecurities (affecting the trust you have in each other and the relationship process) and maybe even resentment.
  • Communication – Have you ever heard something like “So much is lost between what is said and not done and what is done but not said”? That is why communication is so important. There will be a lot of talking, texting, sharing and even video calling in every social media app or messenger you guys have, specially if you’re in a LDR. Communication involves so much more than that. It also means learning to listen to your partner to have a better understanding of their point of view or the feelings they are trying to explain or show. It’s a constant exchange of words and actions that will help you work towards the same goals and future plans, resolve arguments and ease any discomfort that can come up in a relationship.
  • Commitment – Being committed in a relationship means that your behavior, thoughts and beliefs are aimed at meeting your partner’s needs and vice versa. When you make promises to a partner, you are stating your intentions. But when you act on that promise, it shows your commitment. It means that both of you are working together now, to have a better future. Commitment is not something we can turn “on” or “off”. Staying and loving someone is a decision we have to make every single day. The same goes for staying loyal to each other (no cheating or being unfaithful). This will help you have a sense of stability and feel safe in your relationship with your partner.
  • Safety – If you are able to manage the previous four elements… Congratulations! You just unlocked the “safety achievement”. Trusting your partner – and being trusted in return – having a well balanced relationship, communicating effectively and being able to make a commitment to yourself and each other, will give you the feeling of safety in a relationship (both physical and emotional safety). Have you ever heard the phrase “sometimes home is a person”? It’s because we know that’s the place we should feel comfortable and protected. Those feelings comes in many ways but basically, your partner should never feel the threat of being physically harmed or emotionally intimidated. Here are some ways to make your partner feel safe:
    • Respect boundaries you both agree on
    • Make your relationship a priority
    • Listen to understand your partner
    • Be transparent. Don’t lie or hide things and always keep your promises
    • Show effort
by Gibran Cruz

Big Airports And How To Get Lost In Them

Airports are like magical waiting rooms on your way to or from home. Like any magical place, you have to be ready for adventure to happen at any moment. At least that was what I was thinking back on February 5th 2021 after hugging my brother and walking into Luis Muñoz Marín International Airport in Puerto Rico with Jay as my trusted sidekick.

Once inside, everyone seemed to know what they were doing and where they were going except me. After getting our bags inspected by the USDA and losing the sticker 20 seconds later, we were ready for every safety protocol and flying to NYC. Piece of advice here: don’t put money in your pocket. You’ll look funny holding it in your hands and triggering every single thing inside the body scanner. Let me tell you that I’m not scared of flying. But when you’re in a plane full of people and scared to even breath inside your mask because of Covid, you start playing different scenarios in your head and even think about every airplane accident and how no one survives it. I think I have an overactive imagination or maybe I just need to download more movies the next time… who knows.

JFK International Airport in NY is huge. From skywalks inside the airport to the Airtrain to connect passengers to their terminal I think you get the idea. Security is very tight so we were checking our watches every few minutes and praying to make it in time for our next flight. It took us around 2 hrs to get through security and everything and we even had time to spend $30 (price for 2 combos) in a McDonalds because we were scared to wander away from our gate. We took our time to eat, charge our devices, made some calls to family and friends and to our surprise, there was another boricua (someone from Puerto Rico) taking the same flight to Cairo. Here (PR) we have a saying about that: “you can go anywhere in the world and you will find a boricua”. Turns out “our plantain stain” showed by the way we talked Spanish. We spent the rest of the wait and flight talking and sharing food with Felix (forget about Covid and all). When it comes to food, we boricuas forget about everything else going on; it can be the end of the world and we’d still be cooking and/or eating.

Flight from NY to Cairo is a little over 10hrs. There is no amount of movies, books or music in your device to prepare you for it. Trust me. EgyptAir is an excellent airline. It’s like going back to preschool; they serve you food and then turn off the lights so you can take a nap after eating. Looking at the screen that shows you the map and route gave me enough time to think about planes crashing into the ocean. Luckily, I didn’t have internet to search about it or the desire to know the odds. Let’s just say I have a greater chance of having an accident in the streets of Cairo even if I’m not the one driving.

We arrived at Cairo around midday the next day and our next adventure began. Cairo International Airport is easy to navigate even for foreigners. The amount of security makes you feel at ease and everyone is very helpful – even when the soap dispenser in the bathroom explodes all over you – just ask Jay about it.

There are no words to describe the feeling of walking outside and seeing my husband waiting for me at the door. He remembers the only word I said while hugging him… “finally”. One word to try and say everything my heart was keeping inside. Ten months later (December 17, 2021 to be exact) we got to replay that scene. Only this time he was the one whispering in my ear “finally” while he hugged me once again outside the same door. Feels amazing to be here with him again if only for a few weeks.

by Gibran Cruz

365 Days Of LOVE

When we met, I didn’t expect life to lead us here. I’m happy to walk hand in hand with you into this magical adventure we call life. A year ago we decided to spend the rest of our lives together when we said the words “I Do”. Our love was always written in the stars and today I can say without any doubt that in any world, in every life, across the Universe I’d choose YOU. It will always be you.

My three wishes today: A lifetime of memories by your side. That our love keeps growing even while apart. That the life we’re building together takes new meaning with each new plan.

Let’s keep writing our happily ever after…. Happy Anniversary My Love. One year down, forever to go.

by Gibran Cruz

Love Is Not Tourism

Love Is Not Tourism is a global movement dedicated to raise awareness about long distance relationship couples and families separated by travel bans/border closures during the Covid-19 pandemic. Some couples had to wait for a long time before they were allowed to travel and reunite with their loved ones. As of today, some of them are still waiting.

Ahmed and I had to wait because we married during strict measures. But 2021 came full of hope for us so we would like to share some of it…

You can visit their website Love Is Not Tourism If you would like to share your success story or feel inspired by others, then you should check out The Love Visa.

by Gibran Cruz

My Egyptian Adventure: How It All Started

I’ve wanted to share all about my relationship for the longest time. But for some reason, this part of my life feels so special that I wasn’t ready yet. A lot of people had asked me a thousand questions since I came back from my trip to Egypt so I guess it was time I shared a little of it.

I met Ahmed back in 2019 on a dating website. But before you say anything , no, I wasn’t looking for love in all the wrong places. Someone suggested I check the website out and since I was single, why not look at some profiles? I got a message from that cute egyptian and soon enough we exchanged Instagram accounts. I have to tell you that it was a recipe for disaster: he was looking for something serious and I just wanted to meet people and make new friends, he’s all fit and I’m all fat. A few days and insults later, we decided to delete our dating profiles and give it a try. You can like someone because of their looks you know, but you fall in love with their soul and that’s what was happening to us. You can say we met each other by chance, but stayed together by fate.

He was everything I didn’t know I always wanted. We tried our best to get to know each other using every social and messaging app available to us and of course, we met each other’s parents via video call. Did I mention he was very serious about this relationship? As a heart attack. So it wasn’t a surprise that I wanted to impress him on Valentine’s Day (here’s how) and guess what? It worked! He asked me to marry him that day and I said yes without thinking about it twice. I was more than happy. We made it official the next month and that means we told our families. His family was very happy and supportive about it. Mine thought I had lost my mind. Maybe I did lost my mind for him?

A few weeks after that, the Covid 19 pandemic was announced and it felt like the whole world came to a halt. We saw our hope dwindle as airports and borders closed and traveling was restricted. We never stopped looking for options. Then my friend Sean suggested we get married online. Ahmed and I discussed the option for some time. He still jokes about it and tells me it was worse than a job interview. I mean, he was applying for the husband position after all! We married online on August 10, 2020. Yes ONLINE! Yes, legally. It was kind of a secret. I didn’t want my family to call me crazy until after I was married. To my surprise, they were ready to support me in my decision (after saying we were crazy of course). It took us around 4 months to certify, translate and legalize papers to have our marriage registered in both countries (US and Egypt).

Fast forward to February 2021 after months of texting, talking, video calling and sleeping together “on calls”, my brother took my son Jay and me to the airport. Ahmed and I were finally ready to start writing the next chapter of our love story in Egypt! Our journey to Cairo was a mini adventure… but that’s a story for another day.

Long distance relationships are not easy. Closing the distance takes time. So until then, we will keep writing the most beautiful love story. Our happily ever after.

by Gibran Cruz

Giby’s Misadventures…Now streaming.

I started this year thinking that it felt kinda like a trial subscription to a streaming service that you can’t cancel. Three months into it and I still ask myself “What will happen in today’s episode of Giby’s Misadventures?” I mean, last season in the show that is my life was incredible. It was full of unexpected things like making it through a pandemic (we’re still doing it) and getting married. Even I didn’t expected that one but turns out that it was the best decision of my life. Will tell you about it later.

I’m starting this season with a different cast. People who I thought would always be there for me left and others who left in the previous season came back. People I never gave a chance are now recurring characters in my show. Of course I’m always grateful to the ones who stay no matter what goes on in the show. I’ve made a few mistakes, I know, but I keep learning as the show goes on.

Contrary to a show you see on TV, There’s no pre-written script. There’s a lot of improvising going on. I’m learning that things don’t always go the way I plan them or the way I think they should. There are things that go wrong and I can’t always fix them. Sadly, some things have to stay broken even if I wasn’t the one who broke them. Turns out I don’t have an unlimited supply of props in this show.

I visited my husband in Egypt last month (Episode 2?) and I learned that you can actually forget about bad times for a while and keep looking for better ones as long as the people who love you are by your side. But that whole Egypt thing is a collection of stories that need some time to tell so I will be writing about it soon.

So stay tune for the next episode of Giby’s Misadventures. Now streaming on My So-Called Life.

by Gibran Cruz

The Problem With (My) Love

After I wrote my previous post I couldn’t help overthinking about it. That is what I do, I overthink everything. I thought that I hated being in love. But not really, I just think I idealize love too much. When I’m in love I always want to be the best version of me. I always want to build something perfect that doesn’t exist. It can’t exist, nothing is perfect. I always see how to be better and of course, not everyone sees the same, not everyone is the same. Other people don’t always see it. If they are content with what they have then they won’t feel the need to be better.

When it comes to me, I’m always thinking of giving and not about what I can or should get in return. Always thinking of how can I make someone else happy all the time; to be a better partner, to do things the best I can so we can have a “better” (perfect?) relationship. Then I ask myself why I do all of that if I’m not getting the same effort in return. That’s when all the overthinking takes the stage… I think about how most of people put a lot of effort to get what they want. Once they have it? Why put so much effort on it? But me… I put on a little effort in the beginning and see if things are going to work. If I see it blossoming into something beautiful, then I put the effort into nourishing it, keeping it and making it the best it can possibly be.

That is how I know the problem is me. I get disappointed even when I know things will not always be 100/100. Relationships doesn’t work like that, we have to be prepared to give 80 in a day when the other person is feeling like 20 and whoever tells you they are supposed to be 50/50 they are lying. But I can see how efforts are not always equal and sometimes is not because they don’t want to, is because they don’t know how to. So I break my own heart. Not the other person but me, I’m the one who breaks my heart with expectations that can’t be real.

Now I’m at the point where I started to question if I was sabotaging my relationships. If I’m giving too much importance to things that can’t be changed (could they?). And I cry every night that I (over) think about all of this because I feel sad and of course, no one can see a reason why I should be. Maybe I don’t know how to balance my feelings.

After saying all of that, maybe I can get to the conclusion that I’m my own worst enemy. Someone told me I was asking too much of myself and expecting perfection. I said that I’m always thinking about how to fix everything and making it better. Not everything can be fixed? well in my mind, it can. So maybe all I have to do is fix myself?

by Gibran Cruz

The Little Box Of Horrors I Keep

I have been revisiting old posts lately. In part I guess it is because they are still relevant; they still describe how I feel today. If they are still relevant, then it means that in some way, I haven’t been able to “fix myself” or maybe there are a lot of questions, doubts or fears.

Maybe this is the reason why I still keep my little box of horrors…

There is a box hidden inside the darkest corners of my mind. It will keep safe what we have, will keep our relationship from breaking apart. You see what I most fear is that time will change what we feel. So I go there once in while to put all my bad thoughts inside. Stored away in that dark space are all the doubts that I have. When the trust tries to go away I lock those thoughts inside that place. Jealousy and anger are there too, all part of a time bomb I’m scared it could explode soon. I’m trying to put away my expectations because not everyone will make the same efforts. Now as I watch from afar with a glass of wine in my hand as the only witness to my crimes…trying to keep my insecurities locked inside so my relationship can last. A final toast to everything inside:

For all the things you didn’t see. The messages, love letters and text you won’t get but I wrote them anyway, they got deleted before I could push send. All the things we won’t share; the thoughts, the words, calls, dates, special days. I’m honestly hoping you will care.
All the things you forgot, some promises you broke. The written pages, quotes collected, Pinterest boards created but you won’t get them. The social apps we couldn’t share, no reason now to be hiding out there.
Chances missed, opportunities not taken. Pictures never shown of things and places; a world we could’ve shared but we missed it. All we can still learn or teach the other. Now I wonder why we never take the time for it.
The heart shouldn’t know about distance. I don’t want to give up on all I’m  feeling, trying to keep it away and hidden because I am afraid of all of it fading.
For all the times I’ve tried. I learned the drill: get angry, argue, forgive and try, try, try. All the times I cried because I couldn’t say I wasn’t alright. I never want to make you angry because I care about details in our lives.
For the times I felt neglected. I’m tired of  repeating how to fix it. The secrets, the questions, the plans to build our forever. Because we should start now to make it simple later. every day I hope you understand and start making changes.
I will drink to that and more to come, because I decided to put it all in The Box.

Now that all is done I will leave a note on top of the box. It will serve as a reminder for next time I’m here, to decide if it’s worth it to hide my fears. Remember this was me trying to make this work while waiting for you to play along… “SHE OFFERED YOU THE WORLD HOPING YOU CHOSE HER INSTEAD”.

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by Gibran Cruz

Love Note #6

You deserve someone who gives stability to your life, with whom you can go to sleep without having to ask yourself if they will love you tomorrow or not (but of course I will, for the rest of our lives together). Someone who would rather give up on being proud than give up on you ( I will never give up on us). Someone who makes you a priority and not an option, who gives you the place you deserve in their life. Why? Because you deserve love, honesty and respect. Love shouldn’t be a multiple answer question… loving should be your only choice.

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