Not everyone is meant to be great and go on adventures. Some people are only allowed to dream their wholes lives and maybe I’m one of those people who are not meant to wake up. Life is full of opportunities but they are not for me, maybe I’m supposed to help others to see where those opportunities are and grab them. Giving is in my nature. I do not love thinking in what I can get in return, but I do love expecting to build beautiful things that will last forever.
People like me, we want to be the architect of someone else’s life, someone else’s dream. Not because I think they need me to design a life for them, but because I think they deserve the best they can get out of life. The life I feel I will never have.
People like me think everyone we love is made of stardust and we see how they can be a shooting star… so we build them up and make them shine knowing we are allowed only to wish upon that star as we see them light up the sky if only for a second before they are gone from our lives.
I’ve never felt I have a place where I belong. I don’t even think this world is made for people like me…but we sure try to make it perfect for someone else when we love them as much as I love.
I know how it feels when you are tired. Not of life, but of your life. How it is, how it goes and how you know it will be the next morning, the one after and the one after that. So predictable that it actually hurts. To people that look at us from the outside it seems so easy to tell us detailed instructions on how to change our lives. It isn’t so easy to us, the ones actually living the life they say is so easy to change. Is not like we don’t try, is more like we have spent our whole life trying that it becomes a race without a finish line… There’s no way to win or to get to that finish line so we can finally look at our lives and say “we are here, we made it, this is what i wanted”.
I know how it feels when you want to disconnect yourself from the rest of the world and be yours for a few hours or a few days. Do your things, or maybe not doing anything at all. Those are the days I want to close all my social accounts and be mine for a few days. Watch some movies, read some books. Every time that happens it becomes a little harder to go back to share yourself with everyone else. We do because it is expected. We are adults. Maybe because there are people that misses us, or maybe there is someone we always miss.
There are times I’m scared that I would never find the right words to make you stay when all that you want is be away for a while. Though sometimes late.. I know I have to say it… Stay. Stay because you are missed. Stay because you are loved. Stay because life goes on and it takes us more time to change.. But sometimes what we are doing is changing the life of someone else. Whatever you do… Know that there are people, like me, who want to tell you that we understand…That we can’t live without you… So please Stay.
There is a box hidden inside the darkest corners of my mind. It keeps safe what we have, keeps our relationship from breaking apart. You see what I most fear is that time will change what we feel. So I go there once in while to put all my bad thoughts inside. Stored away in that dark space is the doubt that I have. When the trust tries to go away I lock those thoughts inside that place. Jealousy and anger are there too all part of a time bomb I’m scared it could explode soon. Now as I watch from afar with a glass of wine in my hand as the only witness to my crimes…trying to keep my insecurities locked inside so my relationship can last. A final toast to everything inside…
For all the things you didn’t see. The messages and text you won’t get but I wrote them anyway, they got deleted before I could push send. All the things we won’t share; the thoughts, the words, calls, dates, special days. I’m still wondering if you would care.
All the things you forgot, all the promises you broke. The written pages, quotes collected, Pinterest boards created but you didn’t get them. The social apps we couldn’t share, always an excuse to hide them somewhere.
Chances missed, opportunities not taken. Pictures never shown of things and places; a world we could’ve shared but we missed it. All we could learn or teach the other. Now I wonder why you never took the time for it.
The distance felt kept getting bigger. I was giving up on what I was feeling, trying to keep it away and hidden because I am afraid of all of it fading.
For all the times we tried. I learned the drill: fight, argue, forgive and try, try, try. All the times I cried because I couldn’t say I wasn’t alright.
For the times I felt neglected. The secrets, the questions, the plans forgotten forever.
I will drink to that and more to come, because I decided to put it all in The Box.
Now that all is done I will leave a note on top of the box. It will serve as a reminder for next time I’m here, to decide if it’s worth it to hide my fears. Remember this was me trying to make this work while wondering what you felt.. “SHE OFFERED YOU THE WORLD AND YOU CHOSED TO SAVE IT INSTEAD”.
To read more about Fears in LDRs and see the writing prompt that inspired this post, head to the LDRBN site. If you are in a LDR and want to be part of the experience, APPLY HERE. Don’t forget to mention my name Gibran.