Something To Be Thankful For…

Thankful for all the great people in my life and the part of the journey we shared… the ones that are still here with me and the ones who aren’t anymore, they left behind experiences that shaped my life in some way.

To the ones who decided to stay – friends and family by blood and bond – thank you for helping me write the story of my life, doesn’t matter if it was a page or a chapter. Last but not least… I’m thankful for the brave people who decided to love me: you know who you are.

 

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A & J : A Love Story In The Making

Everyone who knows me knows I’m a sucker for a romantic story. So I’m sorry for the friend who complained about me writing about love… I promise I will tell you some other stories, just not this time.

This time, I will tell you about A and his friend J. I met A last summer, he was working a summer job through one of those youth government programs and was placed at my office (another government agency). Like any other teenager, A was involved with sports, friends, and social media. What really caught my attention was that the highlight of his summer was the visit of a longtime friend. For the time that he was working at my office, I heard a lot of things about J. His eyes would lit up every time he talked about her and I just wanted to know more as days passed because this was a real love story in the making.

A and J were best friends growing up together until J’s mother moved her to the U.S mainland. You would think that they would grow apart since they were not only physically apart, but both involved in normal teenager things. To my surprise when I asked A about it, he told me how they decided to keep their relationship long distance by calling each other, texting, video calling and of course, the help of social media, our ally in the battle against long distance.

I was clearly impressed by A and his commitment even when other teenagers didn’t seem to have his level of understanding and faith in a relationship like this. He is very mature in everything regarding his LDR and his future plans with his S/O. Now this here is something you don’t see every day – a guy with a plan! They have one more year of high school before they can start to close the distance and they are not taking any steps back. He is very sure j is not only her S/O but her soul mate… he was sure of this since they were younger.

I know a lot of people will think or say that they are too young. But let this be an example of dedication, effort, commitment…all key ingredients to build a lasting relationship. Let this be an example of what love can do if we learn to nurture it from a young age. Let this be an amazing love story (in the making).

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Drowning In The Sea Of Life…

Part 1 – Part 2

There’s a song by Ricardo Arjona that describes falling out of love and a relationship dying/ending as a slow progressing illness. Kind of like what happened to my relationship. Listening to it makes me think about how all the signs were there but either we chose to ignore it or we thought we could work harder to make things better. I even remember a friend mentioning that if we missed a window of opportunity, the relationship would surely die. The thing is that no matter how much you think about it and see the signs, you try to do the impossible to save it.

The beginning of the end. In August 2017,  with the help of my Sis , I planned (and paid) my dream vacation with my S/O in Egypt. For reasons I will not detail here, we ended up canceling the trip 2 days before I was supposed to travel (December 2017). I was devastated but I tried to keep a positive attitude when we talked about it and made all the promises that I knew we wouldn’t keep. It was really hard to come to terms with what happened. In part because we had months to prepare for it and some of the reasons why we canceled could’ve been avoided or worked with if addressed on time (not 2 days before traveling) and the other part is because in a LDR a meeting can take months or even years to schedule due to different life events. In our case we waited for college and then army. Needless to say, it took us some time to get our relationship back on track after that blow.

The second time around. Fast forward to 2018 and me making plans again. I talked to both the airline and travel agency back when the trip was canceled and they both told me the same thing: the ticket was still on hold but in order to re schedule it, I would have to pay a fine. In August 2018, exactly one year later,  I called the travel agency to re schedule my trip to Egypt. I was surprised to discover that I didn’t have to pay a fine exactly, instead I had to pay the difference between what I paid back in 2017 (around $1376) and the value of the same trip at that moment (around $3200). I wasn’t prepared for that. I had saved more money to pay the fine and make extra arrangements but nowhere near the almost $2000 I had to come up with in like 3 days. That’s the amount of days I had to make it work 3 days.  I had enough money to cover a place to stay and all other expenses while traveling but not enough to include that amount and there was no way I could come up with all of it in 3 days. I talked to my S/O about all of it but I knew he was unable to help at the moment. 

Drowning in the sea of life. At that point in our relationship I have to admit that I was evaluating if trying again was the right choice. My S/O was convinced we could make it and didn’t want us to give up.  We thought we’ve seen the light at the end of the tunnel when he got a new job. That job put him away from home, in a shared bedroom without free days until after 30 days approximately and further away from each other as a couple. Our jobs, time difference, our lives… our relationship was slowly drowning. I remember his first days off we barely talked because his siblings were home for vacation. At this point, I knew there wasn’t enough interest in our relationship.  Text messages became repetitive, almost like copy paste. Conversations became superfluous. I guess I was just waiting for an imaginary lifeguard to throw me/us a lifebuoy. 

The end (December 3, 2018). Like i said at the beginning, it was all about seeing the signs, but doing the impossible to save it. In the end, I found the courage to ask an impossible question: When did our relationship ended? He never answered when but he agreed that our relationship ended and that we killed it. After that I had to ask the next impossible question: What do you want? his answer was clear. 

drowning

After everything is said and done you are left with more questions than answers. You are forced to think about how it all went down and ask yourself if there was something you could’ve done or should’ve done to change the outcome. Your answer will always be yes and you will torture yourself replaying all of the possible scenarios in your head because after all, you know what they say… pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Maybe I will talk more about that later. 

gibypea3

 

 

On The Road To Letting Go

Part 2 – Part 1

Getting this message in Tumblr a few months ago opened my eyes. Made me think about how stuck I was and how long it was taking me to heal. Shortly after replying to it I started to get my things in order and prepared to take a trip on the road to letting go.

I updated my social accounts and thought about leaving my LDR journey behind, after all, it was over. But after thinking about it for the longest time I realized that even if I don’t believe, I still care.

Healing takes time and part of healing is letting go of the anger. When I realized that I had to let go of the anger, the bad memories and the pain, it allowed me to move forward on my healing journey and even give some space to forgiveness. I said to myself : Giby, it is what it is and maybe it’s not meant to be.

The road to letting go is a long and winding road… so what did I packed for my trip?

  • Patience: I knew it was a long journey. Healing takes time, getting back on track takes time so you will need lots of patience to adjust to the changes and the ups and downs life will throw at you.
  • Friends/family: everything is better with friends so why not take them with you? Having someone to support you is really important and will help you along the way.
  • Entertainment: now that you have more time on your hands, why not invest it on you? Go out, pick up some hobbies or do more of your favorite things.

Things are different now. In the beginning of my journey I stumbled upon PUBG and it helped me to keep my mind off things. Incredibly, it also brought my ex and I closer again in terms of friendship.

One last thing you will realize while on the road of letting go: not everyone is meant to stay, so you will end up letting go of more people than you thought you would. I had to give up on people who were just taking space in my life without giving me the chance of having a space in theirs.

A Little Crush…

For the longest time had a crush on someone who didn’t know what he wanted or couldn’t decide how and if to go after it. I guess it happens. One of those people who keeps you at arm’s length for their convenience but when they feel you are slowly slipping away, says the right words to bring you closer again.

In the end, you can’t help but think about how much that hurts. Maybe because when we were “together” I always gave everything and after a while, he always ended up leaving.

Having any kind of relationship with him is like eating candy when you know you have a toothache: bad for you, but you can’t help it. When we do try, our efforts turn into a time bomb. The only thing is we can’t really see the timer, we are just waiting for it to explode damaging everything we built at ground zero… Like a never ending loop where it all starts and end at the same place over and over again.

How many times can you survive a nuclear blast? How many times does it has to end before you can move on and “crush” someplace else.

Drowning In The Sea Of Life…

Part 1 – Part 2

There’s a song by Ricardo Arjona that describes falling out of love and a relationship dying/ending as a slow progressing illness. Kind of like what happened to my relationship. Listening to it makes me think about how all the signs were there but either we chose to ignore it or we thought we could work harder to make things better. I even remember a friend mentioning that if we missed a window of opportunity, the relationship would surely die. The thing is that no matter how much you think about it and see the signs, you try to do the impossible to save it.

The beginning of the end. In August 2017,  with the help of my Sis , I planned (and paid) my dream vacation with my S/O in Egypt. For reasons I will not detail here, we ended up canceling the trip 2 days before I was supposed to travel (December 2017). I was devastated but I tried to keep a positive attitude when we talked about it and made all the promises that I knew we wouldn’t keep. It was really hard to come to terms with what happened. In part because we had months to prepare for it and some of the reasons why we canceled could’ve been avoided or worked with if addressed on time (not 2 days before traveling) and the other part is because in a LDR a meeting can take months or even years to schedule due to different life events. In our case we waited for college and then army. Needless to say, it took us some time to get our relationship back on track after that blow.

The second time around. Fast forward to 2018 and me making plans again. I talked to both the airline and travel agency back when the trip was canceled and they both told me the same thing: the ticket was still on hold but in order to re schedule it, I would have to pay a fine. In August 2018, exactly one year later,  I called the travel agency to re schedule my trip to Egypt. I was surprised to discover that I didn’t have to pay a fine exactly, instead I had to pay the difference between what I paid back in 2017 (around $1376) and the value of the same trip at that moment (around $3200). I wasn’t prepared for that. I had saved more money to pay the fine and make extra arrangements but nowhere near the almost $2000 I had to come up with in like 3 days. That’s the amount of days I had to make it work 3 days.  I had enough money to cover a place to stay and all other expenses while traveling but not enough to include that amount and there was no way I could come up with all of it in 3 days. I talked to my S/O about all of it but I knew he was unable to help at the moment. 

Drowning in the sea of life. At that point in our relationship I have to admit that I was evaluating if trying again was the right choice. My S/O was convinced we could make it and didn’t want us to give up.  We thought we’ve seen the light at the end of the tunnel when he got a new job. That job put him away from home, in a shared bedroom without free days until after 30 days approximately and further away from each other as a couple. Our jobs, time difference, our lives… our relationship was slowly drowning. I remember his first days off we barely talked because his siblings were home for vacation. At this point, I knew there wasn’t enough interest in our relationship.  Text messages became repetitive, almost like copy paste. Conversations became superfluous. I guess I was just waiting for an imaginary lifeguard to throw me/us a lifebuoy. 

The end (December 3, 2018). Like i said at the beginning, it was all about seeing the signs, but doing the impossible to save it. In the end, I found the courage to ask an impossible question: When did our relationship ended? He never answered when but he agreed that our relationship ended and that we killed it. After that I had to ask the next impossible question: What do you want? his answer was clear. 

drowning

After everything is said and done you are left with more questions than answers. You are forced to think about how it all went down and ask yourself if there was something you could’ve done or should’ve done to change the outcome. Your answer will always be yes and you will torture yourself replaying all of the possible scenarios in your head because after all, you know what they say… pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Maybe I will talk more about that later. 

gibypea3

 

 

Messages & Memories

I keep re reading old conversations. It’s inevitable to laugh every time I read old messages. I find incredible that someone can remember details that would be so easy to forget. I laugh because there are events, things and people we never forget about. We keep making and accumulating so many memories throughout our lives; sometimes we forget some of them to make space for the new ones.

It’s beautiful to know that someone has chosen to keep the memories they have of me. That they didn’t simply forget about everything just to make space for something else or because of someone else. I guess in the end that’s what we become… someone else’s memories.

Light Of My Life

The way they light up your heart… someone comes along and they share a bit of a flame from their hearts or they always have some extra spark so your heart can shine too. That gives us warmth in  place so cold like this one.

Pay attention to that person who gives you some of their fire, to that person who is always looking for the way to light up your way to love.

gibypea3

Thankful… Happy Anniversary My Love

Days are special because we give them meaning. We celebrate on different occasions and share those days with the ones close to us, the ones we love. Throughout the years we have celebrated Thanksgiving Day as a day to remember to be thankful for all we have (for life itself) for all we’ve accomplished and the family and friends we have. This year I have many things to be grateful for.

I’m thankful for life…after all we have been through here. For the family I have and the family I chose because they never cease to amaze me and support me in every decision I make (they know who they are). For an amazing job that allows me to help others, to spread a little kindness.

I’m thankful for Love… Four years ago (November 23, 2013) someone told me I was his girlfriend and I laughed at the joke. Today I celebrate one more year of shared jokes, many calls, countless text messages. Another year of learning to love across the distance, of walking through the storm together where he always takes my heart to safety.

There aren’t enough words to say how everyone touches your heart in their own way but their prints stay with you forever. For another year of shared memories… I’m thankful.

Confessions of a LDR gf

The next series of posts are titled Confessions of a LDR gf for a reason. Their purpose is to say or “confess” what every person in a ldr wished his s/o knew, but we are too afraid to point it out directly to our partners. We don’t want them to feel like they are failing. What we want to do is to remind them (and ourselves in the process) that we can build better, stronger relationships. Yes, thou it’s mostly us on the scene, I can’t leave out of the picture the true fact that there are guys out there fighting for another day to keep their LDR’s alive. Guys we salute you 😉 👍.

To start off I don’t want to demean or discourage anyone’s efforts, or way of handling their relationships. No offense intended on my part, but I do wish to open up and speak in the name of many struggling with the issues I’ll address today.

Nowadays in LDR’s we tend to pour out our hearts in actions, words, efforts and as in many cases we even give away a part of our lives we’ll never get back, and that part is our time so willingly and lovingly invested.

Not that we complain about it, we struggle, adjust and overcome it because of different time zones, circumstances and even cultural differences. Yet something comes to my heart and it troubles me at all times. I for example am a very emotional person, I feel everything I do has to be weighed before set out there for the world to see but that’s just me, I know for a fact each one of us handles this special kind of relationship as a delicate one because not everyone is made to withstand distance, or the type of relationship many will question.

My heartfelt attention is the tremendous weight of efforts made on our part that go unnoticed by our sentimental partners, or as we call them S/O. 

  • We plan our whole lives around our relationships so we can be available to call, text and video keeping in mind time differences and sometimes even sacrificing our social lives while theirs remain intact. 
  • Our endless tries as in posting, writing, idealizing, recreating and as I mentioned before giving so much life to our relationships that we end up drained in the midst of it all and without motivation as well, because of their lack of empathy, and contribution towards us.
  • We get inspired with a song, a thought, a feeling, and we wish to share that with our beloved but many times we barely get a response or any reaction from their part.  

Instead of getting our S/O attention, we end up showered and encouraged by others who know us well, and even dare to try out as suitors for our hearts. But do we give in to those suitors? Of course not!! We’re only into the object of our affection. If not, we’d be seeking the attention offered when others seem to know what we like, what we don’t, when something goes wrong and can tune in to our emotions. 

 Not many understand our devotion surpasses all of these things. In fact we have our ups and downs as those in a normal standard relationship, except we guard it with a not so invisible  shield of undivided attention. We continue to hope our feelings are felt, understood, delivered and reciprocated.
We can even compare it to an app used on a daily basis: we go to it, we text, we send, all in hopes it will be seen and replied to. Still seconds become hours in our hearts and when not understood we become wounded, and in some cases we hold our feelings back in avoidance of “confrontation mode” as I call it.

Our hearts are visited as a place of invisible encounters and rare meetings. Because we then begin to build a force field that repels any advances intending to break it down…but reality is we’re only trying to salvage any remains left of our soul’s feelings.

To read more about long distance relationships don’t forget to follow Dua e Maryam at Voice of a Broken Heart