Tag / relationship advice

by Gibran Cruz

Building A Better Relationship: How To Be A Better Partner Guide

Feelings are important in a relationship and how you act on those feelings can be the difference between having a healthy lasting relationship or getting a ticket to Splitsville. Every relationship is different, but there are some key elements (in my opinion) that can help you build beautiful things that will last forever. I call this the “How to be a Better Partner Guide”.

  • Trust – Trust is knowing your significant other can fuck up at any time, but having faith they won’t. You cannot truly love someone else without trusting them. It’s the foundation to any lasting relationship. When you and your partner trust each other, you have reassurance that you will not hurt each other on purpose and that the relationship will heal after arguments or fights. All of this makes you feel at ease when your partner is doing their own thing and you’re not around.
  • Balance – Relationships thrive and blossom when there is balance. In a healthy relationship, it’s easier to face life’s challenges hand in hand with your significant other. On the other hand, it can be a disappointment when one of you doesn’t put enough effort or investment to face those challenges together. I read once that “love isn’t always a two way street” and when only one person provides most of the support (financial, emotional, esteem, etc…) it could feel like the relationship is mostly one sided. This can cause a lot of strain. Now don’t get me wrong – relationships are not always 50/50. There are times when you have to be ready to give 80% when your partner feels like a 20%. But without equal effort and support to each other and your relationship, it becomes unbalanced and it can lead to insecurities (affecting the trust you have in each other and the relationship process) and maybe even resentment.
  • Communication – Have you ever heard something like “So much is lost between what is said and not done and what is done but not said”? That is why communication is so important. There will be a lot of talking, texting, sharing and even video calling in every social media app or messenger you guys have, specially if you’re in a LDR. Communication involves so much more than that. It also means learning to listen to your partner to have a better understanding of their point of view or the feelings they are trying to explain or show. It’s a constant exchange of words and actions that will help you work towards the same goals and future plans, resolve arguments and ease any discomfort that can come up in a relationship.
  • Commitment – Being committed in a relationship means that your behavior, thoughts and beliefs are aimed at meeting your partner’s needs and vice versa. When you make promises to a partner, you are stating your intentions. But when you act on that promise, it shows your commitment. It means that both of you are working together now, to have a better future. Commitment is not something we can turn “on” or “off”. Staying and loving someone is a decision we have to make every single day. The same goes for staying loyal to each other (no cheating or being unfaithful). This will help you have a sense of stability and feel safe in your relationship with your partner.
  • Safety – If you are able to manage the previous four elements… Congratulations! You just unlocked the “safety achievement”. Trusting your partner – and being trusted in return – having a well balanced relationship, communicating effectively and being able to make a commitment to yourself and each other, will give you the feeling of safety in a relationship (both physical and emotional safety). Have you ever heard the phrase “sometimes home is a person”? It’s because we know that’s the place we should feel comfortable and protected. Those feelings comes in many ways but basically, your partner should never feel the threat of being physically harmed or emotionally intimidated. Here are some ways to make your partner feel safe:
    • Respect boundaries you both agree on
    • Make your relationship a priority
    • Listen to understand your partner
    • Be transparent. Don’t lie or hide things and always keep your promises
    • Show effort
by Gibran Cruz

Dreams Do Come True…

Most fairy tales start with a damsel in distress and the knight in shining armor that comes to her rescue. This isn’t one of those stories. This story starts with my Sis, a warrior princess and her valiant prince who were not afraid to fight the war for love.

Their story is one filled with sacrifices, lost internet connections, sleepless nights because of time difference and of course, the most difficult trial of all, distance. Armed with patience, courage and determination and using love as their most valuable weapon and shield, I am proud to say that my Sis and her prince conquered the first battle: Marriage.

You see, my sister, the warrior princess is from the US and her boyfriend, the valiant prince is from Pakistan. They met online and had a long distance relationship for several years. All their sacrifices finally paid off when they were able to get all the paperwork done to marry in a third country on April 9th. I won’t lie here. It took time, planning and lots of money. This isn’t a battle for the faint of heart or the faithless, but what I want to do is to give others a little idea – using their experiences as reference – so they can know what to expect and how to prepare.

This are some of the documents needed:

  • Passport – valid passport issued by your country’s government certifying identity and nationality primarily for international travel.
  • Birth Certificate – documents certain circumstances of a person’s birth such as date, full name, place of birth, etc. Has to be recent.
  • Single Status Affidavit – this is to certify that you are not married to another person.
  • Divorce Decree – only if you were previously married and divorced. Recent certified copy of the original decree.

Keep in mind that these are only some of the documents required. The documents needed will depend mostly on the country you are getting married. Some countries will required your paperwork to be translated to some other language (English for example) and for them to be apostilled if the country is a member of the Hague Convention (Apostille Convention). That specific procedure allows your document to be certified for legal purposes internationally.  Remember that there are other steps and fees that you may need to take/pay in the country. Always do your research by yourself or with the help of a professional, for example, a lawyer.

Those are key pieces of information that will help you in your journey for love, in your way to marriage and in the battle against distance. When we are in love we think we are an army of two. Sometimes it might even feel like it. Know you are not alone. There are others like my Sis who won the battle. Her story doesn’t end here. The warrior princess and her prince valiant are getting ready for their next battle together. Now they have to plan their next adventure and build their kingdom together. I can’t say “And they lived happily ever after”… at least not yet. But what I can say to you is this: The future may have many names… but for that person, the name is yours.

by Gibran Cruz

Thoughts of a LDR gf: Birthday Edition

Today is very special because two people I love were born today. In my opinion, birthdays should be special because of two things: you arrived to this world on this day (years ago) and you have managed to stay here for one more year.

One of those persons is the other half of my LDR. Don’t you wish celebrating bdays were easier in LDRs? I sure do. I spent a few days thinking about all the things we would do if we were together but until now, we’ve never been together on a birthday (or any other holiday). I felt like ideas were not flowing inside my head on how to make this day a bit special because of the distance and because our relationship has gone through some major changes.

If your ideas seem to be MIA here are some of mine that came a little too late (or were impossible in the first place):

Plan ahead: if it’s possible to spend the day together physically then by all means do it. If it won’t be possible then make other plans or arrangements to make the other person feel special.

Virtual date: watch a movie, have the longest video call in the history of your relationship… whatever you do, do it online and do it together. Your S/O will appreciate the time and effort.

Snail mail: I have to admit that I’m a fan of snail mail. Love letters, cards, presents. Getting mail is one of the nicest feeling in the world and the person who sends it only makes the feeling extra special.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it comes out of your love for that person. I was really upset because I didn’t know what to do or what to give and our schedules and timing have been horrible lately. Ahmad deserves the best and I keep thinking that maybe one day I will make up for all the bdays we couldn’t celebrate or all the gifts I couldn’t send or give, even after this convo.

Today is his special day and I don’t know if he knows it but I would give him the world if I could.

by Gibran Cruz

Confessions of a LDR gf

The next series of posts are titled Confessions of a LDR gf for a reason. Their purpose is to say or “confess” what every person in a ldr wished his s/o knew, but we are too afraid to point it out directly to our partners. We don’t want them to feel like they are failing. What we want to do is to remind them (and ourselves in the process) that we can build better, stronger relationships. Yes, thou it’s mostly us on the scene, I can’t leave out of the picture the true fact that there are guys out there fighting for another day to keep their LDR’s alive. Guys we salute you 😉 👍.

To start off I don’t want to demean or discourage anyone’s efforts, or way of handling their relationships. No offense intended on my part, but I do wish to open up and speak in the name of many struggling with the issues I’ll address today.

Nowadays in LDR’s we tend to pour out our hearts in actions, words, efforts and as in many cases we even give away a part of our lives we’ll never get back, and that part is our time so willingly and lovingly invested.

Not that we complain about it, we struggle, adjust and overcome it because of different time zones, circumstances and even cultural differences. Yet something comes to my heart and it troubles me at all times. I for example am a very emotional person, I feel everything I do has to be weighed before set out there for the world to see but that’s just me, I know for a fact each one of us handles this special kind of relationship as a delicate one because not everyone is made to withstand distance, or the type of relationship many will question.

My heartfelt attention is the tremendous weight of efforts made on our part that go unnoticed by our sentimental partners, or as we call them S/O. 

  • We plan our whole lives around our relationships so we can be available to call, text and video keeping in mind time differences and sometimes even sacrificing our social lives while theirs remain intact. 
  • Our endless tries as in posting, writing, idealizing, recreating and as I mentioned before giving so much life to our relationships that we end up drained in the midst of it all and without motivation as well, because of their lack of empathy, and contribution towards us.
  • We get inspired with a song, a thought, a feeling, and we wish to share that with our beloved but many times we barely get a response or any reaction from their part.  

Instead of getting our S/O attention, we end up showered and encouraged by others who know us well, and even dare to try out as suitors for our hearts. But do we give in to those suitors? Of course not!! We’re only into the object of our affection. If not, we’d be seeking the attention offered when others seem to know what we like, what we don’t, when something goes wrong and can tune in to our emotions. 

 Not many understand our devotion surpasses all of these things. In fact we have our ups and downs as those in a normal standard relationship, except we guard it with a not so invisible  shield of undivided attention. We continue to hope our feelings are felt, understood, delivered and reciprocated.
We can even compare it to an app used on a daily basis: we go to it, we text, we send, all in hopes it will be seen and replied to. Still seconds become hours in our hearts and when not understood we become wounded, and in some cases we hold our feelings back in avoidance of “confrontation mode” as I call it.

Our hearts are visited as a place of invisible encounters and rare meetings. Because we then begin to build a force field that repels any advances intending to break it down…but reality is we’re only trying to salvage any remains left of our soul’s feelings.

To read more about long distance relationships don’t forget to follow Dua e Maryam at Voice of a Broken Heart

by Gibran Cruz

He Said/She Said

Love means everything. Those were the words he texted me while we try hard to fix all the damage we have caused to our relationship. Sometimes we talk about other people or other situations and then we overthink on the ways those situations apply to our relationship. No matter how hard you try, you can’t help comparing your relationship to others, even though you remind yourself (while comparing) that not two relationships are alike.

When I decided to be in a LDR, I knew it would be a challenge in many levels. We had distance and time difference, but I guess the biggest challenge was culture. Among all the differences that we had, the most difficult for me to absorb was that his culture is more closed, and not as open minded as mine. That includes the way they handle romantic relationships with people from the other side of the world.

Our relationship has always been kind of a secret. I must admit that I agreed to it from the start and got used to the way things were. But as I said before, the situations of others sometimes remind you of your own and in this case, it reminded me that to his side of the world, his family, friends… I do not exist. It reminded me of the struggle I have to achieve this sense of normalcy in my relationship. While I tried to include my boyfriend in every aspect of my life, I felt I had no real presence in his.

With all that we have been through in the last couple of months, overthinking about that issue (the secrecy) added some pressure. I was feeling bad about something I can’t change (and agreed to it since the beginning) and he felt bad because he couldn’t give it to me. We took turns to argue and hurt the other and then we would try to fix the damage we did.

But that wasn’t the only thing I was struggling with. Some time ago I told him that I felt things had changed. Somehow, our relationship didn’t feel the same (I dismissed it because I thought it was because of his time in army) but we did talked about it and even agreed to work on it. I felt that we were back to square one. Back to the way our relationship was when we started and it sucks because I know we put a lot of effort to bring our relationship to a point where we both felt happy before he left for army.

Even today I feel guilty about it. I feel guilty about telling him because maybe I’m the one stuck on a moment in time. The one who can’t stop to think that I knew the rules of the game before I decided to play. The one who is having a hard time shaking doubts creeping inside my mind. Maybe I’m the one who refuses to understand that things change and there’s nothing to do but accept it and move on to whatever comes next, even if you don’t have the same hopes you did before.

gibypea3

by Gibran Cruz

It’s All In The Details.

detailsPicDetails are important in a relationship. It can be the difference between having a healthy, lasting relationship or getting a ticket to Splitville. Every relationship is different but there are certain things (in my opinion) that can shorten the longest distances.

1. Pet Names: Having a special name for your significant other can be a sweet and unique way to communicate between the 2 of  you.

2. Apps, Social Sites, Messages : There are lots of ways to shorten distance. Having  an  app for you 2 makes it special. Having the same apps to jump between them  when one isn’t working is useful. Text and/or call each other daily. That little detail tells the other person you are thinking about them. There is nothing sweeter than waking up/falling asleep to a loving message or better yet, falling asleep together while on video call. If you follow or check each other out (is not stalking if the other one knows, maybe) on social sites be sure to check once in a  while, let them know you care. it can be a fun way to leave each other messages that only the 2 of you  will know even if  they are public. You can  use a code word or any other thing to identify your messages. It should be ok to like or comment, lets them know you care and pay attention. Make it  funny or neutral if you have to keep it a secret (your relationship shouldn’t be a secret but, oh well); that sends the  message “I care about your things”.

3. Talking, Listening & Understanding: Always talk about the way you feel. Listen to each other’s points of view, try to understand. Don’t let arguments or discomforts sit for more than a day. If you don’t think you can do that, think about getting out of the relationship.

4. Dates & Dates: Try to remember special dates or occasions like anniversaries or the months you’ve been together. Try to schedule “special dates” to call each other, play that silly game, watch a movie or do something you enjoy together (yes that includes sex). Those  details tell your loved ones how much you care.

5. The Classics:  Classics never fail. I Love You or I Miss You are always  special when said from the heart. Be there for each other in time of need. Share details with each other but most  importantly, find new ways of letting the other know how much he/she is loved…those are the details of LOVE.

“Being away from each other doesn’t mean there has to be distance in the heart”  

gibypea3

 

by Gibran Cruz

Do. Or Do Not. There Is No Try

I’ve been in a Long Distance Relationship for over 2 years now and still there are days where I wish someone would’ve handed me a map at the beginning of it (or maybe just a Magic 8 ball ). When you finally decide to give it a try, it’s when you realize you are already there (yikes!). The good news is that the ones traveling that road -myself included-  will always leave some directions in every turn for the ones deciding to take the same route. As the Grand Master Yoda said: Do. Or Do Not. There Is No Try.

Here are some notes left for the ones standing in the middle of the road:

  • Make a decision. There is no “trying to see if it works”, no 50/50. If you decide to be in a LDR you have to give 100%.
  • Remember you were friends before you were a couple and if you weren’t, build a good solid friendship so you can feel comfortable with one another.
  • Get to know everything you can about the other person. You are not together physically so you rely on sharing to better know each other. Learn from one another in terms of language, culture, traditions. There is always something new to experience.
  • Involve friends and family when you can. You want to treat your LDR as a normal relationship and support may be needed.
  • Communication is the key (or one of them). There will be a lot of talking, texting, messaging and sharing in every social app/messenger you guys have. Learn to talk and listen and keep in mind you can’t actually read intonation from a text message.
  • There will be arguments. A lot. Don’t let emotions cloud your judgement and don’t make decisions when angry. Calm down, talk, understand and resolve your issues.
  • Knowing what you want is half the battle. If you want it to work, make it work. Make time for dates, calls, video calls…anything that can make you feel closer. There are lots of ideas to keep your LDR fun. Browse the internet or make your own. Each couple is different.

I’m sure there are a million advice for everyone that decides to embark on the adventure that is a LDR. It wouldn’t be an adventure if we knew everything that was going to happen along the way. We have to enjoy the ride while we arrive at our destination. With that said, the last thing to do is to remind you (and myself):The paths less travel by are for the bold so Don’t Quit. Live, Love, Plan your future together. You want your LDR to be a real love story and not some fairy tale  written in social apps. Just don’t forget to leave some notes along your road.

 

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To read more about Pre-LDR Advice and see the writing prompt that inspired this post, head to the LDRBN site. If you are in a LDR and want to be part of the experience, APPLY HERE. Don’t forget to mention my name  Gibran.

 

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by Gibran Cruz

LDR Advice: Listen Carefully and Choose Wisely

When it comes to Long Distance Relationships (and everything else in life) everyone has some advice to give. Some of it will even come from people who hasn’t been in a LDR before. We do understand that they do it out of the goodness of their hearts but that doesn’t mean you have to follow through with it. For that reason we should listen and pay attention to what friends or family have to say but we have to choose wisely in terms of what we think it’s the best for us and our relationship.

When I started my relationship, one of the best advice I received was from my best friend at the moment. The funny thing is that he gave it to me to actually discourage me of pursuing a relationship with my now boyfriend. His words still echo inside my mind: The heart doesn’t know about distance. He said the words in order for me to give up, because once I fell in love, we would want to fight for it because after all it wasn’t impossible; there are planes and ways to make it work. With that said, you thought I was going to give up? He just said it was possible! Turns out his reasons were very personal and he was just trying to save me from heartache but his words gave me the push I needed to jump on board the LDR Express.

Because we know that sharing our sadness or talking about what makes us feel down actually makes us feel better, that is the time when we get the most advice from our best friends, close friends and even relatives (everyone you share with will give you the magic solution according to them). That’s exactly when my friend Sean gave me the best advice of all: do something to get the fucking guy. Short like a greeting card but as powerful as a nuclear blast.

LDRadviceSean His words were and still are the reason why even at my lowest I keep going forward. I do want to get the guy. Every day I work hard on keeping my relationship because I have to do something to get the guy.

In the end, everyone will have something to say. It is our right to choose what we think it’s best for us because we are the ones living with the choices we make day after day. Remember to listen carefully and choose wisely.

 

 

 

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To read more about LDR Advice and see the writing prompt that inspired this post, head to the LDRBN site. If you are in a LDR and want to be part of the experience, APPLY HERE. Don’t forget to mention my name  Gibran.